Page 52 of Highland Flame

Chapter Fourteen

Yvaine had managed to stay away from Cam all day yesterday, finding excuses not to have him at her side. Thankfully, since North and Nash had gone to spend a few days at Naward Castle with Lord Rook, Gillies had been making Cam do all the chores by himself. That alone, kept him very busy.

She’d even taken some time off from making candles to watch the monks illuminate manuscripts. Honestly, she didn’t have the slightest interest in that at all, but it gave her an excuse to sit in the dark and have time to think. Not to mention, it put her safely far away from Cam. Sister Edna had been tending to Avianca lately, but in Cam’s free time, the little girl wanted to be with him. Thankfully, by the time night fell, Cam had been so tired that he’d gone straight to bed, and Yvaine was by herself again.

This morning Yvaine spent time making candles in the chandlery. Yesterday, Gillies had told her that he was able to secure an order from the nobles. It came from Naward Castle, but at least it was a start. This work kept her mind off her troubles and, for that, she was glad.

The door to the chandlery opened, and as she suspected, it was Cam who came to see her.

“Good mornin’,” she said, dipping the wicks, keeping focused on her work.

“Yvaine.” Cam stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. “It seems ye have been avoidin’ me, and I dinna ken why.”

“Have I?” She glanced over to him, and then hung the candles on the drying rack. Picking up another board with wicks, she took the next batch over to the hot wax. “After this candle order is finished, I hope to start makin’ soap as well. Ye’ve been busy and so have I. That’s all there is to it.”

“No’ too busy to spend a few minutes together at a meal, or even see each other at one of the prayer sessions.”

“I have an important order to fill, and dinna have time for nonsense.”

“Nonsense?” He made his way over to her, taking the board with the dipped candles from her, hanging it on the drying rack. “Since when is spendin’ time together considered nonsense? Is that what ye really think?” After hanging up the candles, he turned around and reached out to cup her cheek.

Yvaine’s eyes closed and her head tilted back. It felt so good to have him touch her again. She’d missed it, and wanted it more than anything. Then she felt his lips upon hers. For a mere moment, she accepted it. But it didn’t last long when thoughts of Dun once again filled her head. Her eyes popped open and she broke the kiss, quickly turning away.

“What is the matter, Yvaine?” he asked, hurt resounding in his voice. “If I did somethin’ to offend ye, then please tell me what it was.”

“Nay. Ye did nothin’,” she said, picking up a trimming knife, starting to cut the hardened drippings of wax off the bottom of the candles. “I’m sorry. I just canna kiss ye.”

“That wasna how ye felt when ye all but begged me to make love to ye. What changed?”

Yvaine bit the inside of her cheek to keep from crying. How could she tell him that she’d been acting selfish, and that if he found out all the truths about her, he wouldn’t want to ever touch or kiss her again. It was a heart-wrenching thought but, deep down, she knew it was true. If he was aware of the rest of her secrets, he would never want her in his life. That thought alone terrified her. She’d started having feelings for Cam. More than anything, she wanted him in her life. Or what was left of her life, anyway.

“I – I think I made a mistake, Cam. We never should have coupled.”

“Coupled?” He looked at her in confusion. “Is that what ye’re callin’ it now? Was that all it was to ye, lass? Because to me, it was different than all the other lassies I’ve ever bedded.”

“How so?” she asked. “After all, ye made a point to tell me ye were only doin’ it in lust.”

“That’s what I thought, at first. This time – with ye – it felt special. I dinna ken why, but it felt right, for the first time in my life. I have started to have feelin’s for ye, lass. Please dinna push me away.”

“Everythin’ is movin’ too fast,” she said, taking a deep breath and releasing it. “My life has changed in ways ye canna even imagine. It is so overwhelmin’ that it makes my head spin. I need to slow down.”

He nodded silently. “I understand. It’s my fault,” he said, taking a step away from her. “Ye’ve been through so much lately, and I had no right to push ye into . . . into what we did.”

Her heart about broke to hear him say that. He thought he had done something wrong. “Nay, Cam, it is no’ yer fault,” she tried to convince him. “Ye are right that I wanted it as much as ye. I should have told ye –” She stopped in midsentence, not able to continue. She saw how much Cam truly admired her, and part of her didn’t ever want that to change.

“Ye should have told me what?” asked Cam, waiting for her to continue.

Yvaine bit her lip and shook her head. She quickly looked in the other direction so she wouldn’t have to look into his eyes. He came up behind her and gently laid his hand on her shoulder. Even when he was angry with her, his touch was soft and caring.

“It’s all right,” he said in a mere whisper. “Take yer time, Yvaine. I didna mean to rush ye. I understand that ye need the proper time to mourn. Now, please, let me help ye with the candle order.”

“Nay, that willna be necessary.” She closed her eyes and shook her head, trying to ward off the feelings she held in her heart for this wonderful man.

His hands snaked around her waist, causing a shiver of delight to surge through her. She couldn’t have this. It felt too good! Once again, the thought invaded her mind that she didn’t deserve happiness – the happiness that she now knew Cam could give her.

“Please, dinna push me away, lass,” he whispered in her ear, trying once again to convince her, although he said he’d wait. He nuzzled the back of her neck with his mouth. Damn, this felt good and she wanted his touches and caresses more than anything right now. But she couldn’t. She almost gave in but, thankfully, the door opened, and Cam quickly stepped away from her.

“Sister,” said Gillies, looking at them oddly. “Why are your cheeks flushed? Are you not feeling well?”