Page 60 of Housekeeping

“It’s okay to be scared,” he said, his voice quiet and soothing. Then he chided, “You could have just come to me instead of hiding yourself away.”

“I didn’t hide. I stayed with a friend, my best friend. I just didn’t want to be a burden to you,” I explained but it sounded so weak as if I was excusing my behavior.

“I didn’t know what to think. When you thought… it doesn’t matter. You’re okay now.”

I bit my lip, feeling guilt wash over me.

“I know, I was selfish, but at the time it felt like the best decision,” I confessed trying to think about what it would have felt like if it was the other way around. I would have hated him if he’d shut me out that way. But then I hadn’t wanted to contact him. Not then, all I could think about was if I was going to die or not. I had to explain to him. Make him understand.

“I’ve been through all this before and it’s not pretty.”

I moved away from him so he’d understand what I was trying to say for both our sakes.

“You couldn’t handle it. At times, I don’t even know how to handle it. I see them in the clinics, in the hospitals. Partners with their husbands, wives, girlfriends. And it is not just the cancer they’re trying to deal with, but with their partner. They come to see them and hold back their tears as they watch their partner in agony. They hold their hand and all they want to do is take their pain away, but they can’t. We’ve been together a little while, but not that long and I couldn’t deal with the responsibility of watching you see me go through this.” I said it and I felt proud about admitting what was really going through my mind at the time.

“I know a little bit about cancer, and I know it can be long and painful. If my own money isn’t enough, then I’ll borrow more from my family, but I’m getting you the best care, and I will never, not once, leave you alone, okay?”

This was the Mason I was used to, high-handed and in control, even when he meant well. Only this time, it didn’t annoy me as much as it usually did. Maybe I was coming around to the fact he might not change entirely, and I was somewhat okay with it.

“You know, I resented you once,” I said. He arched his eyebrow, and I giggled. “Mostly way in the beginning, but every time you showed off it came back. You have it all, everything I needed back when I was ill, but couldn’t afford, right at your fingertips. And while it would certainly be useful to have a boyfriend with the cash to get me through this, I have my savings, and I’m pretty good at looking after myself. I’m not with you for your money, Mason.”

“I know—”

I put a finger to his lips to cut him off.

“Just let me finish. You having so much and me having so little was one of the reasons I didn’t think you and I would be a good match, and if something ever happened between us, it couldn’t possibly end happily. Your money is nice, Mason, but right now, all I need is a friend…”

I kept talking and talking until I wasn’t even sure what I was saying. I knew I was rambling because my nerves were all frazzled, but I couldn’t help it, and I spit everything out. I explained it all, my feelings, my worries, my terrors. My thought process in our relationship, my illness, our possible future, if we even had one. I didn’t stop until it felt like I was going to pass out from not taking in enough air. And then I did run out of the air, stopping mid-sentence to take in big gulps of it, only I didn’t know where I cut off, so I didn’t bother to continue.

So instead, I looked up at him with huge, scared eyes, silently begging him for one thing. Sure, his money would be convenient, but if there was anything that would bring me peace of mind, it would be his presence.

Like he saw my silent question, his expression softened, and he ducked his head to press his lips against mine in a kiss, his arms tightening even more around me.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “I promise to always be there for you. For now, why don’t you get ready and I’ll take you to the doctor?”