Page 67 of Mr. Principal

“That’s great.”

I stared at him waiting for him to say something else, but nothing came. I took a deep breath and decided to just tell him what was in my heart.

“Listen, I know that I said many things that hurt you and I’m really sorry. I’m a coward, Carter. I was scared of just being happy. You know what my mom said to me once?” When he didn’t say anything I continued, “She said that no one is actually happy. She said we’re all discontent in life, that discontentment is just the human condition. She said that certain things could make us temporarily content, but otherwise there was no such thing as happiness.”

He still continued to work, not saying anything, so I pressed on.

“I think I really believed that. I really believed that happiness wasn’t in the cards for me, so every time I had the opportunity to be truly happy I freaked out because I was so scared that it wouldn’t last.” I touched his shoulder and said, “Look at me.”

Finally, he did. His eyes were emotionless and guarded. His mouth was drawn into a tight line. Clearly, I wasn’t getting anywhere. He was still shutting me out.

“I’m not scared anymore. I mean I was before.” I shook my head and then raised my eyes to his. “But I knew all those years ago that being around you, just being with you made me happy. And I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, happy and secure in the fact that you love me. I want that chance, Carter. I know I probably don’t deserve it, but I desperately want that chance to be happy with you again. I love you so much—” My voice cracked but I pressed on even though he continued to look at me coldly, unmoved by my words.

I tried again. “I love you so much. You mean so much to me and I just want to tell you that I’m sorry for what happened three months ago. The things I said. And I’m sorry for what happened eight years ago. I mean, I’m not apologizing for what we did. I’m just apologizing for how I left things… for how I hurt you.”

I reached for his hand and squeezed it. “I’m asking for your forgiveness. And for a second, or I guess now it’s a third chance.” I gave a nervous laugh and he finally broke eye contact and turned away from me and started again to work.

“I have to finish this. Thanks for stopping by, Dana,” was all he said.

I couldn’t even speak. He was rejecting me. It was over. History was repeating itself. I was going to lose Carter yet again.

Feeling numb, I got into my car and drove home. I pulled up in front of my house and just sat there in shock. Then the tears came. I leaned my head on the wheel and just cried until no more tears were left. I’d gambled and lost. He didn’t want my love. I’d hurt him too much.

With shaky legs, I climbed out of the car, opened my front door and walked into my house. I saw Becca and Meredith sitting there watching some TV show about wedding dresses.

“You’re thinking of getting married again?” I said incredulously.

Becca shrugged. “You know what they say. Once you fall off a horse, you just climb back on.”

“Marriage isn’t a horse.”

“Well… yeah… So how did things go between you and—” She abruptly stopped. “Never mind. The look on your face tells all. I’m sorry.”

I tried to smile bravely but I failed. Instead I mumbled, “I’ll be in my room if you need me.”

Meredith was sleeping or she would have been full of questions too. I made my way to my room and fell into a deep sleep. I’d finally found out what it felt like to be loved and cherished. I’d been a happy woman and I’d thrown it all away.

* * *

It wasdark when I woke up and I could hear the TV on in the background. I pulled myself out of my slumber and almost screamed when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked crazy. Maybe I’d fought myself in my sleep, I thought, running a hand through my hair.

I checked on Meredith and realized that Becca had put her to bed. Becca left me a note saying that she hoped I felt better. She was truly a sweet person.

I then practically jumped out of my skin when I heard the doorbell ring. I picked up an umbrella ready to clobber the person on the other side of the door when I realized it was Carter.

I opened it, confused.

He looked at me and then the umbrella and said, “I guess you weren’t expecting me?”

I was confused and surprised. “Should I be?”

“You texted me.”

“No, I didn’t.”

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and read it out loud to me. “I have an emergency. Please stop by.”

I shook my head. “I didn’t text you. I couldn’t have. I just woke up.”