Page 32 of Dark Secret

It was infatuation, which had to be what it was. It would pass eventually, right? I kept waiting for it to start to pass, this fascination with her, this need to be with her, but that wasn't what happened. Instead, it just kept getting stronger.

It was kind of scary, but I thought I could control it. I was starting to suspect I might be wrong. I wasn’t a man who would deny himself, though, so if it happened, it happened. If this was love, then I guessed I had to get used to it because I knew one thing for sure. I didn’t want to give her up. Not for anyone.

Her breath started to even out again, and I heard a soft snore at one point. When her body completely relaxed and she rolled away from me, I got out of bed, put my robe on, and headed to me office. I had new medicines I’d picked up at the pharmacy earlier. I wanted to do some reading about them.

I needed to know what the side effects were, how often I was supposed to take them, and what the benefits were supposed to be. I wasn’t big on taking drugs, but I wanted to be around for a while longer, so if that was what it took, then I’d do it. You want to be around for Stephanie, a little voice said in the back of my mind.

I couldn’t deny that part, at all. She made me want to live life to the fullest. That trip to the island and the one down to New Orleans had shown me that. I wanted to show her the places she’d never been, and I wanted to experience that joy with her. I wanted to experience life with her. If that meant taking medication, so be it.

I read the dosages and saw that it was time to take one of them. There were three new bottles. He wanted me to stop taking the one I was on and take these new ones instead. I took a deep breath and took the pill. The other two I had to take in the mornings.

I spent an hour or so researching each medicine and decided that the benefits outweighed the risks. It would keep me going, this new stuff. I hoped. I glanced at the door to my office. Stephanie needed me to be around. She’d said it herself, she’d never had anyone care about her, hug her, as I had the last couple of days.

Maybe it was time to let my guard down with her. I still wanted the contract, because I needed that wall between us, love or not. I needed to keep that distance there. I thought I was past the panic stage, where I just wanted to deny it completely and block her out, but I wasn't anywhere near the wedding bells and baby rooms stage. I needed to keep a level head, at all times.

I had the family business and my own side projects to think of. There were countless people depending on me to keep the businesses going. I had to protect that empire too. I couldn’t make a rash mistake because I’d fallen for somebody. I had a lot of people depending on me to take care of myself and my actions.

Sometimes, times I wouldn’t admit too very often, I wished I’d been given a different life. A normal one where my parents weren’t the people they were, and that I’d had siblings. I’d have become a mechanic or maybe I would have become a business tycoon anyway, I was good at it, but I wouldn’t have this constant pressure to be perfect, to be on top, always. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so afraid of what it meant when I looked at Stephanie and my heart skipped a beat.

I pushed away from my desk with that thought. That was just a little too sappy, even for me, and I laughed softly at myself.

I glanced at the clock and saw it was late, or I’d have called my mom. She was probably up with my dad anyway, but I didn’t want to disturb them. Late night calls were always stressful, even if the other person only wanted to talk. I’d leave it for another day then.

I pulled a stack of papers from my desk drawer and went through them. I found the ones I wanted, full of red ink and black writing, and read over it all again. I opened the file on my computer and began to make the edits I’d made on the paper copy. This would be our contract. I wanted her to read it first, before she said yes or no, because this wasn’t the contract that I’d given her all those weeks ago.

This was something much different. It was a letter of love, in a sense. It held promises for the future, if our relationship lasted longer than six months, and it was an agreement that we’d try to be a little more open with each other. There were rules, of course, but nothing she hadn’t already agreed to, and there were concessions if we wanted to change something in the contract.

Basically, it was me admitting that a contract wasn’t exactly what we needed at this point in time. I’d started to see that happiness was within reach. I had it now, but I could have it for a lot longer, if I gave in to her way of thinking, just a little bit.

My past stood between us; I was big enough to admit that. She’d gone along with it because she had secrets of her own, but I knew she wanted that to end. She wanted to let go and tell me the things that bothered her, but she wasn’t sure she should because I held her at arm’s length in so many ways.

I’d have to trust Stephanie, and I wasn’t sure I could. Not because she wasn’t worthy, but because I’d always found that the hardest thing to do in life. If anybody deserved loyalty and trust, it was Stephanie. Something always held me back.

The image of my mother’s face flashed in my mind, my real mother’s, that night that she tried to erase us all from the world. She’d looked insane … she’d looked like she loved me. Then she’d poured gasoline all over my carpet to kill me. It was pretty hard to trust anyone after that. I didn’t think there was a person alive who could think it would be easy to trust after your own mother tried to kill you.

Stephanie’s face had started to replace that faded memory, and that, more than anything, told me she was special. It wasn’t just the sex, or that she let me spank her when I got the urge; she cared for me. I could see it in the way she talked to me, the way she made me forget my troubles, the way she tried so hard to give me everything I needed.

She’d even bought me jewelry. Not as a show of wealth or as a silly token, but to show me I mattered. I stared down at the ring on my middle finger, where it had been since the day she gave it to me. It had become part of my identity, that token of affection.

I’d been surprised when she gave it to me, a little shocked even. I’d never worn jewelry because I’d never been given any, and it never really occurred to me to go out and buy some for myself. It just wasn’t something I’d ever wanted.

Stephanie’s ring, the necklace, and the cufflinks, were special. Just like her.

I printed out the final version of the contract I wanted her to sign and put it back in my desk drawer. I’d take it out on the day our current agreement was up and give it to her. This one should make her happy.

I knew she’d avoided the matter and had changed the subject more than once, but this one was different. I thought she’d see the main promise in the whole thing, if she would just sit down and read it all. This wasn’t a business contract. It was a promise that I’d try.

I knew it was probably stupid to offer her so much when I didn’t know what my future held. I might not have many years left to give her, but right now, everything in me said I wanted to spend those years with her. I’d do my part, see my doctor, take the medicine, do whatever I could to hold off the inevitable, but I’d try. That was all I could do.

Now, I just had to get her to sit down and read it without getting angry and storming off. I could understand her viewpoint; she’d explained herself pretty well that night she’d walked out on me. I’d had a hard time admitting it then, but now, I could see. Stephanie was lonely, and with me she’d found a measure of happiness. She wasn’t so lonely anymore. She didn’t want to give that up, and the contract was a threat to that happiness, she thought.

This one wasn’t. It was a concession, and a hope that we could get to a different level together. I couldn’t make too many promises, but I could start out small. I’d offer her a relationship and in a few months, we’d re-examine where we were. If things were going well, and if we wanted to make changes, we would. That was as much as I could offer. Anything else might be a lie.

Emily

We had one more day together, and then I suspected my fine Mr. Dark would emerge with a dreaded contract for me to sign. I wasn’t so sure now, he’d changed in the last couple of weeks, but I had a feeling he had something up his sleeve. I’d seen him working on something, more than once.

He’d always put it away before I could see exactly what it was, and that was what made me suspicious. He didn’t want me to see what he was working on because he didn’t want to upset me. The thing was, right now, I’d take whatever he had to offer.