Page 120 of Healing Eleanor

After making the biggest bowl of leftovers I can, I scarf it down and chug water like it’s oxygen. Then I take a long shower, letting the water wash away the lingering pain of yesterday.

Tomorrow is a new day. It can bring change… something I can manage. All I can do is move forward.

When I lie in bed, my thoughts keep drifting to Eleanor. Imagining her face ignites an ache in my chest, a sharp reminder to keep my distance. Anything more can drag us both into a fire neither of us is ready for. And yet, even knowing that, I can’t stop thinking about her. With a heavy sigh, my head hits the pillow, and sleep claims me despite the unrest in my mind.

22

Vein Cut From the Heart

Eleanor

Nik is avoiding me.

It’s been almost a week since he showed up at my front door drunk, and ever since then… he’s been distant. I understand why he asked Lily to drive me home that night, but now? Not once has he offered to take me home. Instead, he keeps handing the task to her, as if I’m an obligation to be passed off.

I’m not Lily’s responsibility. She’s kind enough to pick me up in the mornings, but asking her to drive me home feels like too much, even though she insists she doesn’t mind. Most evenings she has to pick up Grace from cheer practices anyway, so it makes sense for her to drop me off too.

One night though, Evelyn insisted I stay for dinner, and of course, I couldn’t say no. Being with Lily’s family is like stepping into another world. Their house radiated love, laughter, and warmth in every corner. I felt more accepted with them than I ever did with my own family.

But when I returned to my apartment, the quiet swallowed me whole. And I broke. I purged, hating every second of it. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t stop. It was like some mindless, destructive reflex that was impossible to fight. A habit that would break me if I didn’t get control of it soon.

Still, none of it matters. I’m struggling in rehearsals no matter how many energy drinks I force down. My body is weaker, my muscles slower to respond, and my mind refuses to stay on the choreography. Somehow, it always drifts back to Nik. To the way he’s been ignoring me. To the sharp cracks splintering through my chest each time his gaze passes right over me like I’m not there. To the truth I’m hiding from him.

Is he upset with me? What did I do, other than be there for him when he needed it? Can he tell I’ve been lying about eating? The thought burrows deep, gnawing at me ever since that afternoon in the garden.

He’s never been short with me before. He’s always been open, kind, and he makes me feel cared for in a way no one else does. But maybe that night changed things. Maybe he doesn’t want me like I want him.

The thought presses down on me like a weight I can’t bear, threatening to crush me completely. I know he’s my coach, know what wanting him will cost me, and still, a reckless part of me wants him anyway.

It also doesn’t help that I’m feeling weaker by the day. But that shouldn’t surprise me. I haven’t had a period in over a month. I don’t want to think about what that means, so I shove it into the box in my mind where I keep all the things I’m not ready to face.

I know what I’m doing is wrong. I know it’s unhealthy, that there could be consequences I can’t undo. But I can’t bring myself to care. What do I even have to live for? I dance poorly at rehearsals every day, Scarlett barely calls me, Edward doesn’t at all, my mother only cares when it benefits her, and Hollingford feels like a world I don’t belong to. Everyone here has their lives together. And then there’s me… a self-destructive mess.

Lily was too good to me. She befriended me without hesitation, even when I gave so little of myself. Dillon and Gabriel had accepted me right away too, rushing to fill the gaps when they saw I was alone. And then there was Nik, who had cared for me more times than I deserved.

Maybe that’s why it hurts so much. He’s the first guy I’ve ever let see the real me. He walked straight into my heart and showed me what life could be like. He’s patient, gentle, never pushing too far. But I understand why he won’t waste his time on a girl like me.

I can’t even look in the mirror anymore. I already know what I’ll see—skin and bones, sweaters that swallow me but still can’t hide the truth. Who would want to carry baggage like mine?

But gosh, I want him to. I want our after-practice car rides. I want the banter in the studio, the steady pressure of his hands on my shoulders when he adjusts my posture. I want to dance in the rain with him, to cook dinner if only to make him smile.

I just want him, and I don’t think anything will change that.

Rehearsals today don’t go any different. Nik avoids my eyes, delivering corrections without ever looking at me. His voice is clipped and distant, each word driving the hurt deeper until I’m practically invisible.

Now that we’re changing in the dressing rooms, all I want is to go home. To curl into bed with my journal and cry into my pillow.

I sling my bag over my shoulder and walk back into Studio B where Lily waits.

She stands at the podium talking with Nik, so I drift toward the window instead, staring out at the dead trees as snow begins to fall. Perfect. Lily is a terrifying driver in the snow.

A tap lands on my shoulder. “Hey,” Lily says, already bundled up with her things.

I turn, smiling. “Hey. Ready?”

Her expression shifts, apologetic. “I’m so sorry, but I can’t drive you home today. My mom just called. Grace has an away game, and I have to pick her up as soon as I leave here.”

I plaster on a smile, trying to mask my panic. “It’s totally fine. Don’t worry about me. You go.”