Page 91 of Healing Eleanor

“Thank you, Lily. Happy birthday,” I manage, forcing the words through the tightness in my throat.

She nods, still beaming, and skips off to the next person, the picture of joy.

Meanwhile, I’m drowning in a tank of sharks, my flimsy body the only thing between their teeth. I clutch the cupcake between my fingers, indenting the soft cake. I’m exposed and waiting to explode. And worse—the weight of a dozen stares presses in on me, waiting to see if I’ll cave, if I’ll fail.

I stare down at the cake. Everyone else eats and laughs, celebrating, while I wage war with my own mind. I’ve done absolutely nothing to deserve this. But if I don’t eat it, it’d look suspicious. The pressure around me is suffocating.

When I look up from the tiny bomb in my hand, I catch Nik staring at me again. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s remembering the café incident. His stare felt like a test. Would you eat it?

I swallow my pride for the hundredth time and take a bite. The first taste of sugar makes me want to cry. I’m never allowed such luxuries without ‘earning’ them—and even then, my successes are never enough to justify a cupcake. At the end of the day, I’m still a ballerina. My body is a tool, never mine, and never enough.

By the third bite, Nik looks away, like he didn’t expect me to actually eat it. But by the fourth and fifth, the panic claws at my chest reminding me who I am and what I have to do. The feeling surges like a wave, and I bolt out of the studio, ignoring everyone’s stares. I rush to the bathroom, and slip into a stall, getting rid of the rest of the cupcake.

I sink to my knees, grip the toilet bowl, and gape at my reflection beneath me, disbelief twisting in my chest. I squeeze my eyes shut and stick my finger down my throat far enough to make myself sick. And it works. I heave up the remnants of the cupcake, hating every part of myself.

As the cupcake spills from me, a gentle hand settles on my lower back, another brushing stray strands of hair from my forehead.

“Shhh, it’s okay. You’re okay,” Nik murmurs softly beside me.

I don’t think I can feel more embarrassment and shame if I try. The fact that Nik is here watching me purge by my own hand makes me feel impossibly small.

He keeps rubbing slow circles on my back, brushing the fallen pieces of hair from my face with careful tenderness. I don’t deserve his gentleness, his patience, his… anything.

Once my body finishes rejecting the cupcake, panic flares. I need an excuse. “I— ” I start, pressing my back to the stall wall. “I’m sorry… I’m just not feeling well,” I spit out a panicked fabrication, hoping he believes me.

Nik’s eyes bore into mine. He shakes his head, his voice firm but calm. “Don’t you dare lie to me, Eleanor.”

“What?” I stammer. “What do you mean? I’m not—”

“You’re a bad liar,” Nik interrupts, standing with an outstretched hand.

I take it reluctantly.

When we step out of the stall, Nik rubs his hands down his face, his back to me. My mind races. He can’t tell Kasper. I’ll be out of the company faster than I can say no.

“You’re not going to tell Kasper… are you?” I ask, my voice small.

Nik spins around, disbelief etched across his face. “Is that seriously what you’re worried about right now?”

I shrug, nodding mutely. Not confident enough to speak aloud.

As if being caught wasn’t nightmare enough.

He crosses his arms, fixing me with a dubious gaze. “I don’t understand you.” He steps closer. “I’m sending you home for the rest of the day.”

Panic courses through my veins. “What? No—please— ”

“No,” Nik states bluntly. “You’re going home. Lily’s mother is here. I’ll ask her to drop you off.”

I gasp for mercy, but he shuts me down with a single look.

“Nothing you could say right now will change my mind, Eleanor. Go home.”

Then he spins on his heel and leaves me frozen in the bathroom. My blood runs cold, thick with shame and panic. What just happened?

When I exit the bathroom, a group of girls are huddled off to the side, whispering to one another. Deep in my bones, I know they’re talking about me. Every stolen glance in my direction and down the hallway where Nik’s disappeared confirms it.

My stomach drops. It’s like the Soren situation all over again.