Page 25 of True Abandon

I follow the path from his callused hand, up his forearm where the IV is inserted. Across his jaw with the day-old stubble that’s grown in, up his beautiful face, and into his intense, almond-shaped eyes. He said to listen, but all I can do right now is feel his hand and see his face. The two have me in sensory overload, I don’t know if my ears will even work.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers with utter conviction and I think my heart actually stops beating. “Don’t let what I did to you in the past destroy your future. I can’t erase what happened—no one can. But you can control what you do with the rest of your life.”

My lips part as I try to will my heart and brain to move. “You abandoned me for years, and now you want to make sure I’m okay?”

“I’m not saying I have the right—”

“You don’t. You lost that right when you took the most sacred gift I could offer and tarnished it. I was in love with you.” My voice shakes with the admission.

“I know.” He bows his head and removes his hand from my thigh to rub his eyes. “You know, I um, they’re not…” He takes a breath. “There’s never been someone since you. Not in that way.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Oh, no you get me wrong. I fucked a lot of girls but nothing like...” His voice trails off.

“This is supposed to make me feel better?”

“No. It’s just…I don’t want you thinking I screwed you over and became this amazing guy for every other girl.” His admission doesn’t make me feel better nor does it make me hate him more.

I look down at my fingers. They’re lightly tracing the words he just said on the inside of my palm as if trying to engrain them in my skin forever. I’m sorry.

“Thank you for taking care of me tonight,” he breaks the silence. “You could have bailed, but you didn’t. You’re a better person than me.”

“No, I’m just a glutton for punishment.” I surprise myself by laughing a little with the comment.

He laughs, too, but then his face turns serious. “I’m scared. Am I allowed to say that? I’ve never had surgery before.”

“You’ll be fine. It’s just an arm and a leg. Not like they’re performing open heart surgery.”

“You’re right. I’m…” His eyes look around as if looking for the right words. “I’m glad I’m not alone. I’m so tired of being alone.”

You can make someone out to be the devil, yet we all have a vulnerable side.

As if on autopilot, I lean over and place my palm on his cheek. When my fingers fall into the hair on the side of his head, he closes his eyes and leans into my palm. My thumb rubs against the stubble as I comfort him in the way loved ones do.

This hardened man who played the villain to my adult life is showing me his weakness. The vulnerability is beautiful and sincere, just like the boy he once was.

It’s also dangerous as hell.

The door opening breaks our moment of, whatever this is, and the nurse walks in followed by an orderly and a doctor.

“Hello, I’m Dr. Abler. We’re ready to bring you in.”

I step aside as the doctor explains to Jax where his bones are broken and what the surgery will entail. I gather my belongings to leave.

“Trish,” Jax calls from the bed. I turn around to face him, his eyes full of worry. “You’ll be here when I wake up, right?”

I nod.

He lets out a shaky breath and swallows. “Okay,” he says to the doctor as they roll him out of the room.

And just like that I'm standing alone again in the dusty, stale room where the man who haunts my dreams is being cared for. If you told me twenty-four hours ago, I’d be sitting by his side, I would have laughed and said you were crazy. Perhaps I’m the crazy one.

How can someone who hasn't seen me in so many years know my dreams and fears as if we’ve spoken everyday? He was right about so many things but he was wrong about one: No matter what I do for the rest of my life, his memory will always be at the forefront. When someone impacts your life with such an intensity, that fire will forever simmer deep inside you.

Jax Davis is my past. And if I want a future I have to get out of here before he sparks that flame even more.

PART II