Page 101 of A Cruel Kindness

Soren got even more exacerbated by my answer, his face going red with anger. “Yes it does.”

While my heart wanted to warm at his defense of my happiness, that only made this all the more painful. “What I want is peace. What I want is for the draft to stop. I don’t want anyone else to have to die from this. So yes, if that means marrying the Prince, I’ll do it.”

I didn’t find any pride in agreeing to this. This wasn’t some hero’s sacrifice that would let me slip into the afterlife with a sense of pride. This was a painful, heartbreaking reality that I couldn’t escape without damning the entire planet with me.

I could understand that this was the right thing to do and still hate every second of it.

Especially when this situation caused Soren to look at me with anguish in his eyes and ask, “And where does that leave me?”

Panic rose so quickly I couldn’t tamper it down. “I don’t know!” I all but cried, feeling like I was in an impossible situation, hurting someone no matter what I did. I wanted Soren. It was plain and simple. Exhaustion hit me as I asked, “Why am I supposed to have all the answers?”

Soren sighed heavily and I watched as he reached for me, then pulled his hand back to his side.

Why did he do that? I like it when he touches us, the Bond said, confused on what was happening. It was too simple to understand this, only motivated by what it wanted, not what it was allowed to have.

“You’re—” Soren began, then restarted, “You don’t have to. I’m not expecting you to. But I can’t pretend like I’m okay with this. Like I could possibly be okay watching you marry someone else.”

An image flashed suddenly, of Soren standing off to the side in the shadows while I pledged my life and loyalty to someone else. “It would be in name only,” I rushed out, needing to reassure him. He was the only person I wanted. The only person I could ever want. “My soul is—”

“Don’t,” Soren said, cutting me off by sliding his hand over my mouth. He stared right into my eyes as he said, “Don’t say that. If this happens, I can’t know that.”

His hand slipped from my face, the touch too intense for both of us. He took two measured steps back and it sent the Bond thrashing at the notion he was about to walk away from us.

I followed him, restraining a full sprint that ended with launching myself into his arms. “Soren—”

He shook his head, stopping me in my tracks. “I need a second.”

Another three steps back, putting even more distance between us. “Please don’t leave me,” I begged, uncaring how much anguish was in my tone.

Two more steps. “This whole conversation has been me asking you to do the same.” My knees felt weak, my body about to give out as it realized how real this was. Soren was walking away from me, not a full day after we’d finally given into each other. “I understand,” he said, and a dark part of me hoped he didn’t, that he would steal me away so I couldn’t do this to us. “I understand that this needs to happen, that I need to step aside to make this happen. But it’s painful enough right now. It can’t go any further between us. I can’t let this take more from us than it already has.”

I forced myself to stay where I was, even though all I wanted to do was collapse in his arms. He was right, the more this progressed, the more likely it was that the inevitable separation would drive one of us insane.

I couldn’t ask him to stay with me after. It would be too cruel to both of us.

So, I made my self nod. I made myself restrain tears. I made myself watch as Soren took one last look at me before he turned and left me alone, when all I’d ever wanted was for us to be together.

Chapter 25

Bellamy

We were back in the vans, heading back to the Bridge, no more than two hours later.

I thought Soren would choose a different car, but we both knew what would happen if he did. No matter the forced separation between us, I wouldn’t wish pain on him in any form.

This torture was bad enough.

Instead of sitting next to me, curling me against his chest like he had on the way over, he took the seat across from me.

Just enough proximity to satisfy the Bond’s confused, sorrowful musings, but far enough to keep an appropriate distance.

Soren’s eyes were distant and every time I looked at him I felt like crying.

I had already cried a considerable amount, collapsing to the floor inside my room once he’d left. Eventually, I’d made my way over to my bed, where my sheets still smelled like him.

I’d sobbed into the pillow he’d slept on until I had nothing left to give, trying to fill my lungs with his scent to calm my heart, knowing I’d likely never be able to bury my nose in his neck again.

Our knees brushed four times during the seven hour car ride. The first time, I caught a sob in my throat before it escaped. The second time, Soren held my eyes for five eternal seconds before dropping his head to the floor. The third and fourth we acted like it didn’t happen, even if twin lashes of heat and agony shot up my leg at the feeling.