Page 35 of Gold and Good Sense

Chapter 18

Not long afterward, Elizabeth and Jane settled into the little sitting room they shared that was between their bedrooms.

In response to Jane’s look of curiosity, Elizabeth said, “Jane, will you tell me what has caused you to be so down lately? I had assumed it was due to Mr. Bingley’s desertion, but it’s possible I was mistaken.”

Elizabeth did not truly think she was mistaken, but Lady Esther’s suggestion that she speak with Jane directly had planted a seed of doubt in her mind.

“Of course it isn’t due to Mr. Bingley’s desertion,” said Jane. “I was the one who sent him away after all.”

“You…” Elizabeth’s confusion at such a revelation made it impossible to form any additional words.

Jane smiled sympathetically. “Lizzy, I thought I had made it quite clear that I had no interest in forming any romantic attachment. Yes, Mr. Bingley is a kind, cheerful, good man. However, the one time I mentioned that I was studying Latin, he looked at me as though I had grown a second head. In another lifetime, if we had met before I was independently wealthy, I might have fallen very much in love with him. As I am, however, knowing that I can learn what I would like to learn and live the way I wish to live, I do not love him in the least.”

Jane paused, waiting for Elizabeth to respond, but Elizabeth’s shock was still so great that no words could come forth.

Jane continued. “You asked why I have been down lately, so I will tell you. I have grown tired of the endless rounds of pointless socializing. I have grown weary of empty flattery, inaccurate compliments, and useless chatter that I am subjected to from every gentleman who thinks I am pretty. In fact, the more I learn of Latin and Greek, the more I seem to sympathize with Mary’s tendency towards isolation and study.”

“But you told Papa that you did not wish to study everything, just languages,” said Elizabeth.

“That is true, and I believed it at the time,” said Jane. “I am not opposed to spending time with our neighbors and friends back home, so of course I would not wish to spend too much time in isolation. Here in London, however, it is different. The men who speak to me do not truly wish to converse or get to know me. They do not want to hear my opinions, wishes, or dreams. That being the case, I find their conversations pointless and meaningless. A complete waste of time.”

“There is plenty of meaningless chatter among our neighbors at home,” said Elizabeth. “What makes it so different here?”

“At home, I am listening to our neighbors tell me about their lives,” said Jane. “While it is often meaningless, every conversation tells me something new. Either something new has happened to them or they learned something new or their opinion changed. All of it is interesting, because the speaker is in integral part of our lives as a neighbor and a friend.

“Here, however, it is just a bunch of strangers spouting nonsense that doesn’t affect me in the slightest. We will eventually leave London, and we will likely not return for some time. When we do return, everything and everyone will have changed so much that we will practically have to start all over anyway. It all seems like a big waste of time and effort.”

Elizabeth had never considered any of this, but it was easy to understand Jane’s point of view, even if she didn’t agree. Elizabeth had always been interested in conversation for its own sake. Much as walking was exercise for the body, conversation felt like exercise for the mind, and Elizabeth relished both.

“So, you sent Mr. Bingley away, because you were tired of his conversation?” asked Elizabeth, finally able to formulate a complete sentence.

Jane looked a little abashed. “Not exactly,” she said. “Of the gentlemen we’ve met here in London, Mr. Bingley was, by far, the least tedious. In fact, I quite enjoyed his company. However, it was clear that his interest in me was far more personal and romantic than I could return. I began to suspect that he would soon be proposing, so I asked him to stop calling on me to avoid having to turn down his proposal.”

Jane’s hands clenched each other as she said, “I am still not certain that I handled the situation well. I truly did not wish to hurt him, but he seemed so despondent when I asked him to stop calling that I began to wonder if I made the right decision.”

“Did you wonder that because you knew you would miss his company or because you simply didn’t like seeing him in pain?” asked Elizabeth.

“Definitely the latter,” said Jane. “He is pleasant enough, and his cheerful company has made it easier to tolerate the company of gentlemen who were far less pleasant. But, no, I will not truly miss him.”

“Then you did the right thing,” said Elizabeth. “No matter when you told him, he would have been hurt, so that was unavoidable. It seems to me better to turn him away than to let him continue to grow in his feelings for you only to turn him away later.”

“That is what I had assumed,” said Jane, “but, oh, Lizzy, it was so very difficult.”

Elizabeth gazed at her tender-hearted older sister in admiration for a few moments. She couldn’t help but compare her own rejection of Mr. Darcy, with all its accompanying fury, with Jane’s gentle and thoughtful rejection of Mr. Bingley.

Guilt swamped her, and she turned her gaze to her own hands which were now twisting around each other. Most of Elizabeth’s anger at Mr. Darcy’s proposal was based on her assumption that Mr. Darcy was responsible for Jane’s pain, but that was clearly not the case. Without that, his proposal, while not ideal, would not have sparked such vehement refusal. In fact, without that, it was entirely possible that Elizabeth would have seriously considered it.

As this realization made its slow way through her mind, Elizabeth began to wonder if she had just made the greatest mistake of her life.

~~~~~

For the next week, Elizabeth looked for Mr. Darcy at every social engagement. She was desperate to apologize for her vehement refusal.

She still did not know if she would truly accept his offer should he renew it, but she needed to tell him that she had been so very mistaken about his involvement in Mr. Bingley’s desertion.

Her hopes were disappointed. He was nowhere to be found. She eventually asked Judge Darcy, when he was invited to dinner one night, if his nephew was even still in town. Judge Darcy completely quenched what little hope remained by telling her that Mr. Darcy and his sister, who had just completed her schooling, had gone to Pemberley for the summer.

Elizabeth spent that night pacing back and forth across her room, her mind racing and unable to rest. She remembered every interaction with Mr. Darcy in her mind, noticing in retrospect all the little details that she loved about him. She also remembered all the little characteristics that were not so appealing.