Page 73 of Shattered Dreams

Nodding, she reaches for her napkin to wipe her mouth.

“Changes are always difficult, but you’re young, Andre. We all know you loved coaching the Cougars and seeing how you took the Raccoons—who didn’t even make the playoffs last year—and took them to the playoffs, well I’d say you have a gift. You were made for this job. Coaching is who you are. And this is a great opportunity for you to continue to do what you love.”

“I told Rylee I wouldn’t leave her anymore. The traveling—”

“We have lists of amazing nannies who also homeschool.”

“It feels weird bringing in another woman to do that.”

She grins like she’s just won something.

“My cousin works at an all-male nanny company, [email protected]. Some of the nannies are willing to travel for the right pay. And they are very qualified.”

I sigh, staring down at my food that’s getting colder by the minute.

I hate that I can’t outright tell her no.

Because part of me… wants this.

Chapter Twenty-Six

Paul

I knew that I’d probably go crazy worrying about this consulting lunch if I hung around the suite and waited for Andre to call or show up, which is why I am venturing out of the lodge to do something I have had little time for lately—working out.

Don’t get me wrong, my job is pretty physical between gym classes and after-school coaching, but ever since moving in with Dre, and being back on my normal schedule with Maddox, I haven’t had the time like I used to have. Partly because every free moment I have has been spent either getting ready for birthdays and holidays or just spent with Dre. Which is fine, because I enjoy doing those things, especially with Dre. But there’s also a part of me that misses the hours I used to put into the gym when Maddox wasn’t around, too.

Working out has always been a way for me to get out all that anxious energy and stress. I was a lot like Maddox when I was young; although I probably got into more trouble than him given that my parents didn’t know where I was half the time, because I was usually with the neighborhood kids, which meant I wasn’t at home tearing the house up, and that was easier for everyone. It was only after I nearly got suspended in middle school that my parents had to figure out a way to keep me out of trouble, and thankfully Mr. Peterson, my gym teacher, saw me waiting for the bus after detention and asked if I could help him set up for the volleyball game that night. All I did was drag some mats out, but I felt weirdly better. Eventually helping him out after school turned into weight training, and that eventually turned into trying out for the football team; which led me to get a scholarship to Brighton—where I met Dre and the guys. And the rest is just… history, I guess.

I adjust the speed for the treadmill, kicking it up a few notches so I can work out some of these thoughts that keep rolling through my head. The sound of Nickelback’s “Burn It To The Ground,”

comes through the one airpod I have on, since I tend to tune the world out too easily when I run, and I know I need to stay alert. The gym’s pretty packed, so I don’t want to hog the machines if someone else needs them.

But not even Nickelback can drown out the thoughts running through my head. Thoughts like I should probably tell Dre that I think I’m in love with him.

No, I am in love with him. I know I am. It’s just…

I don’t know if I’ve ever been in love. Not like he probably has. I love Amelia because she’s the mother of my kid, and I have always cared about her and considered her a close friend. But we were never in love with each other. We were never going to magically fall in love one day, either, just because we had Maddox. Staying together wasn’t good for us. It just made both of us feel like something was wrong with us, like no matter what happened, we were just… stuck together.

Because we didn’t want to be together. It was just… convenient. Safer than trying to put ourselves out there and risk being hurt. Until neither of us could pretend anymore that our marriage was working, because it wasn’t.

I want to be with Dre. I like waking up with him curled around me. I like coming downstairs every Sunday to see him and the kids baking cookies or making breakfast, or watching movies. I like seeing him at work—not that we see each other that often or anything, since we work in different schools—and it’s kind of nice to have someone to hang out with during staff meetings and in services, and during pep rallies.

But most of all, I like our life. Together. And I think he does, too, but that doesn’t mean he feels the same way I do. I know he feels something. I’m just not sure exactly what that something is, and I worry if I bring it up and ask him—or worse, tell him how I really feel—I’ll freak him out.

Because I’m not going to lie, it freaks me out. I know it shouldn’t. I’ve always loved Dre. He knows that, but is it really love? Or is it just the comfort of being with someone that I love?

Even in the beginning of my marriage, Amelia and I were always physical. We always hugged and kissed, slept together, cuddled. Fucked—not often, of course, but often enough that I didn’t feel like I needed to look elsewhere or that I was missing out. And after the divorce, I missed that. The being with someone part. The sharing a home part. The waking up in bed and going to bed with someone part. But I know love is more than just sex. I learned that the hard way, and there’s no denying that telling Dre how I feel will change things. Because once I say it, I can’t take it back. Once you put it out there—that you love someone—they’ll never not know.

And if they feel the same… great. Collect two-hundred dollars and pass Go.

But if they don’t feel the same…

Well, then you're fucked, and not in a good way, because you’ll know they don’t love you. You’ll know that you don’t mean the same to them as they do to you, and that?

That’s the kiss of death.

Because you’ll always know. You’ll always question whether or not they’ll ever feel the same. You’ll always second guess yourself, and every word out of their mouth, wondering if it will ever change, and in my experience, it always changes things.