Page 39 of Bonds of Shame, Bonds of Lust

I sat. I breathed.

Janice ordered our drinks without asking. She had us memorized. Orange juice for herself, sparkling water with lime for Ricardo, vodka soda for me. We toasted.

"So," I said, setting my glass down. "What happens now?"

Ricardo smiled. "Whatever you want. We sit, we talk, we people-watch until you're comfortable. We dance when you're ready. Janice can show you more of the space when you want to see it." He shrugged, easy. "Or we sit here all night and I'll still think tonight was worth it."

I looked around. The energy in the main lounge was building. More bodies on the dance floor, more hands moving freely, more mouths finding necks and shoulders in the half-dark. A couple in the corner kissing deeply, her fingers in his hair. Two women dancing together so close they were barely moving, just swaying, foreheads almost touching. It was charged. Deliberate.

"I'm still nervous," I admitted.

"That's fine," Ricardo said. He reached over and covered my hand with his. "You don't have to be anything other than what you are right now."

I blushed but didn't pull away.

We sat and talked for a good while. Music, medicine, a film Janice had seen twice that Ricardo had opinions about. Ordinary conversation in an extraordinary room, which turned out to be exactly what I needed. Slowly, measurably, I settled. The fight-or-flight response that had driven me out the door last time loosened its grip. I could look around the room without the shame response firing immediately. I could take in what was happening with a feeling closer to curiosity than panic.

I finished my vodka soda and didn't reach for another.

"Okay," I said to Janice. "Tour me."

We moved past the bar, through a velvet curtain into a dimly lit hallway. Ricardo offered his arm and I took it, his forearm solid and warm under my fingers.

First stop: a large open lounge, low beds and couches arranged in a loose semicircle, amber lighting, music filtering through from the main room. Several couples and small groups were playing. Two women kissing deeply while a man watched, one hand moving slowly. A couple in reverse cowgirl, her head thrown back, his hands gripping her hips. Another trio, a woman on her knees between two men, who were taking turns, all three of them relaxed and fluid.

It went through me, warm and low, and I gripped Ricardo's arm.

Janice kept her voice low, informational. "Main social play area. Open, consensual, voyeur-friendly. You can watch, join, or walk by. Nobody cares which."

We moved on. A hallway with several doors, some open, some closed.

"Private rooms," Janice said. "Lockable. For couples or small groups who want the space."

One door was ajar. I glanced through.

A woman was spread-eagle on the bed, wrists and ankles secured, blindfolded. Her partner was working over her slowly with a feather and a small vibrator, not rushing toward anything, just taking his time. Her sounds were pleading, rising and falling. Her whole body was pulled taut, straining toward his hands, and her face was absolutely unguarded.

I stood there longer than I meant to.

Something deep in me went very still and very awake at once. A woman fully given over. Eyes covered. Hands tied. Trusting whatever was going to happen to her.

I wanted to keep watching.

Ricardo's voice was in my ear. "We can move on whenever you want."

I made myself move.

A smaller room with a large mattress and mirrored walls. Four people, two couples, tangled together in slow motion. Mouths on skin, hands moving without urgency, quiet encouragement in the half-dark. The mirrors multiplied everything.

A hot tub area, steam rising from the water, several bodies in various states of undress. A woman straddling a man in the water, rocking slowly, head tipped back. Others lounging, touching casually, like people who'd long ago decided there was nothing to hide.

Janice glanced at me. "Still okay?"

"Yeah." And I meant it. "It keeps being a lot. But it doesn't feel dangerous."

Ricardo's voice was quiet near my ear. "Just people being honest about what they want. No pretending."

We looped back toward the main lounge. I sat down at our table on legs that weren't entirely steady, but the unsteadiness felt different from last time.