Page 25 of The Only Way Out Is Up

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask Somi.

The money jar is nothing but shards of glass on the floor, and he’s slowly poking through the remains, picking out the odd bit that slipped through the enforcers’ fingers.

“I should have,” he says mournfully.

“But why didn’t you?”

He swears, drops a shard to tinkle on the floor, sticks his bloody finger in his mouth, then slumps back against the bed with a defeated sigh.

“Why the fuck do you think, Taj?”

“I could have done something.”

“You would have said, ‘I’ll take care of it,’ with that tough-guy face that makes you look constipated.” His imitation of me is spot-on, unfortunately. “Then you’d charge off to do something dangerous and maybe get yourself killed.”

“So instead you got this.” I gesture around his destroyed room. His writing desk is shattered, his bed torn up. They’ve stolen his books, too, even the Little Forest Stories with its ragged binding.

There’s a long silence.

“I just don’t want to lose anyone else, Taj,” Somi says. “Why is that so fucking hard?”

I say nothing. My throat is filled with bile.

“Maybe you’re right,” he says eventually. “Maybe I should have told Ema and the others we couldn’t keep feeding them.”

“I didn’t say that,” I mutter.

“You thought it, though.” He glances over at me. “Don’t lie.”

“They’d starve,” I say uncomfortably. “It’s not what Fara would have wanted.”

“Fara could keep all this going.” Somi closes his eyes and leans back. “I don’t know if I can.”

Another silence. Slowly, I climb to my feet. Glass crunches under my boots.

“What are you going to do?” Somi says without opening his eyes.

“Do you really want to know?”

“I guess not.” He swallows. “Please be careful, Taj.”

“I might be a little while. A couple of days. Don’t let Spike worry too much. And get Ameliana over to look at her eye.”

Somi nods miserably. I turn away, heading for Yesod.

TEN

Second-guessing:], Star says as I climb. [When the Clawmarks came, perhaps I should have intervened.]

And, what, killed them all? Not with this little body.

[Assessment: not impossible. They were not expecting a runic to attack them.]

Even if you had killed them all, then what? They’d only have come back, and they wouldn’t stop at wrecking furniture.

[Hypothetical: but what if they had meant to kill Spike, rather than chastise her? Should I still have remained hidden?]

I don’t have an answer to that. Sometimes there aren’t any good choices.