Page 72 of Marriage and the Midlife Crisis

“Rage rooms can be incredibly cathartic,” Kim agreed, then asked about our experience.

Melanie told her about the items I’d brought for her to destroy. “I can’t begin to tell you how satisfying it was to smash Mitch’s face. The golf trophy and the putter were nice touches, too.”

“How did it feel to watch her releasing some of her anger?”

“She was incredible.” I pulled out my phone and searched for the video I’d taken of Mel, then passed my phone to Kim. She chuckled as she watched it, then handed it back to me with a wide grin on her face.

“I think that was an excellent choice for your first date. The anger and pain is part of what makes your ground too unstable to build on, so I think it’s wise to get as much of that out as possible. And how about you, Ryan? Did you take a turn in one of the rooms?”

I glanced at Melanie, who returned my look with a supportive smile and an encouraging nod. “I did. It was…a little different for me. I started off cursing Mitch, and then somehow, I ended up cursing Grady.”

Kim shifted in her chair a bit, then studied me carefully as she waited for me to continue. I explained what had happened, and what Melanie and I had discussed afterward.

“I spent most of last night dissecting my feelings, and I think she’s right. I am mad as hell that Grady’s gone, and part of me is angry with him, even though it’s not his fault.”

“Grief isn’t always logical,” Kim pointed out.

“What I don’t understand is, why did I only get angry at Grady? I was every bit as devastated when my dad died two months before that, but I’m not pissed off at Dad for dying. I miss him like hell, and I wish he were still here, but I’m not angry like I am with Grady. I’m not mad at my mom either, so why Grady? It just doesn’t make sense, and I feel guilty as hell for it.”

Kim said that it may have to do with the circumstances. “Your dad’s death was probably different because as we age, we tend to subconsciously prepare ourselves to lose parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles. That’s the natural order of things. How old was your Dad when he died?”

“Seventy-two.”

“So even though he had been in good health until then and his death was sudden, it wasn’t quite as unexpected and shocking as Grady’s was.”

I could see the truth in what she was saying.

“Grady died in the prime of his life – and the death of someone our own age tends to affect us profoundly. You had likely never imagined losing him, because someone dying in their late thirties isn’t the natural order of things. That’s not the way it’s supposed to happen. When you factor in that his death was preventable, and there was no legal justice for the driver who caused the accident, that only compounds your feelings and stokes your anger.”

“My mom was only forty-four when she died…shit, she was Melanie’s age when she became disabled,” I pointed out.

Kim nodded understandingly. “Your mom’s death falls into a different category. There is something that we call anticipatory grief, and it occurs when the loss is expected, usually due to a terminal illness or long-term injury. The grief itself may have been just as profound as what you experienced when your father or Grady died, but you had three years to process it and come to terms with before it happened.”

She leaned forward in her chair with an earnest expression as she continued, “You also had to adjust to the fact that your mother, as you’d known her, was already gone even though she was still living. You had three years to adjust to her precarious health, and the possibility that she could have another life-threatening incident. You started grieving for her before she died, Ryan, and as you mentioned in our first session, because she hated being incapacitated, it was almost a relief that her suffering was over. All of those things changed the grieving process substantially from the other losses you’ve had.”

“My brother Derek took her death the hardest. He was only thirteen, and he went off the rails for a while. He gave Dad hell for a few years, but he joined the Navy after he graduated, and they straightened him out.”

“He’s several years younger than you, if I remember correctly, and you’re not particularly close?”

“Five years younger, and no, we aren’t. We never really were, because of the age difference, I guess. Then, after his stint in the Navy was over, he stayed in Texas, where he’d been stationed. He’s been in San Antonio ever since. We talk once a month or so, and he and his wife would come visit Dad every couple of years. Now that Dad’s gone, I don’t know if we’ll see much of them anymore. He’s my brother, and I love him, but we don’t have a lot in common and his wife can be…” I trailed off, unsure how to describe Lindsey.

“Opinionated,” Melanie offered diplomatically.

“A complete bitch,” I corrected under my breath, and she shot me a glare. “Oh, come on, you don’t like her any more than I do,” I protested, trying not to chuckle at the look of chagrin that crossed her face.

“She can be difficult at times,” Mel conceded primly, as she tried and failed to hide her smile. I snorted at the understatement. The woman had thrown a fit worthy of a toddler three Christmases ago because Derek had the nerve to book a surprise vacation in Aruba for them, when “he should have known that she would have preferred to go to St. Barts because that’s where all the celebrities go, duh.” She’d refused to join us for Christmas dinner until Derek had cancelled their reservations and rebooked everything for St. Barts, at almost twice the expense.

Dad had rolled his eyes so hard he’d probably caught a glimpse of the inside of his skull. Mel had just ignored her tantrum and started dishing up the food. I’d had to nudge Garrett’s leg under the table because he’d been staring slack-jawed at the spectacle as if they’d both lost their minds. Melanie had given Tanner a pointed look and all but shoved a dinner roll in his mouth to stop him from snickering.

“Sure, let’s go with difficult,” I said with a grin. “Regardless of what we’re calling her, no, we aren’t particularly close.”

Kim shrugged as she agreed that just because you share DNA with someone it doesn’t require you to have a close bond.

“As for dealing with your grief in more positive ways, I would encourage you to continue your workouts and physical activity and perhaps look for activities that your entire family can participate in together. Don’t hesitate to talk about those you’ve lost. Remembering happier times may be difficult at first, but it will get easier and will ultimately help you process your grief. It may be a cliché, but time does heal most wounds, at least. Give yourself permission to be angry, or sad, or any other emotion that grief may bring out. They are all healthy, valid responses. Ignoring your grief – as you learned – is not.”

She cocked her head and studied me closely as she asked if I felt any sadness over the loss of Mitch from my life.

“Fuck, no,” I said harshly.