Page 75 of Marriage and the Midlife Crisis

“I believe we can fix your part of the communication breakdown with just a little work. To continue with our construction metaphor, the framework is still there, and the bones are good,” she said with a wink.

“I think it’s a matter of you reverting back to your old way of handling things, until it becomes standard operating procedure again. Stop treating Ryan with kid gloves. It’s not doing either of you any favors.” She paused before asking, “Are you ready to talk this through with Ryan?”

When I agreed, she picked up the phone and rang the front desk, asking the receptionist to send Ryan in.

Once he sat down on the other end of the couch, she started to fill him in on what we’d discussed.

“Melanie and I have talked about finding her voice again. She’s muted herself with you for quite a while now, first in an effort to be understanding while you were reeling from your losses, and then because the situation escalated to the point that she couldn’t make herself heard anymore. She stopped trying out of frustration, and fear that you wouldn’t side with her over Mitch.”

“I would have,” he ground out, and Kim raised her hand in a calming gesture.

“She had no way of knowing that, based on the conversations you two had on the subject, would you agree?”

He did, reluctantly, and Kim gave him a small smile.

“In order for two people to truly communicate, each person has to be open and honest about what there are experiencing. Each person also has to be receptive, and willing to listen and try to understand the other’s point of view. That seems to be where your part of the breakdown comes in, Ryan. When Melanie came to you with her concerns, what did you think about the things she said?”

“I…I thought she was exaggerating, I guess. Mitch was a sore spot for her – rightly so – but still I thought that she was bent out of shape because he was involved. I recognize now that I didn’t want to listen to her, because for the first time since Grady and my dad died, I wasn’t stuck in a depressing rut anymore. I was enjoying myself, enjoying life, and it was almost like chasing a high at that point. I just couldn’t stop, not until I’d crossed the line and went to that club.”

“Melanie, we touched on this earlier, but just so Ryan understands what to expect from you moving forward, I want him to hear this, too. You’ve found your voice again, and you can’t be afraid of using it. Don’t keep holding your thoughts and feelings inside. Don’t downplay them. Don’t dismiss them. You don’t do it with other people, and you can’t do it with your husband. It’s not healthy for you, and it’s not fair to him. You can’t hold him solely accountable for the things that upset you, if you don’t tell him how you feel and give him a chance to correct the issue.”

I tipped my head to acknowledge her words, and then she turned to Ryan.

“Now it’s time for your lesson, Ryan. Your job is to listen, truly listen, when Melanie comes to you. Remember how you feel right now. Remember how you regret not listening to her for the past year. Remember that she comes to you from a place of love, and that she, more than anyone, wants what’s best for you. You can’t dismiss her feelings, whether she’s telling you softly or shouting it from the rooftops. It’s not fair to her, and it will cause irreparable harm to your marriage.”

Ryan let out a harsh breath, then quietly said, “I agree.”

“The reverse is also true because communication is very much a two-way street. Ryan, you need to work on opening up to Melanie if you’re struggling, or in a rut, as you called it. She can’t help you and support you if she doesn’t know what’s going on. Melanie, if you suspect there’s a problem, don’t wait for him to come to you with it. As I told you earlier, don’t treat him with kid gloves. It’s not helping either one of you. Take the bull by the horns and address it with him.”

I took another sip of my water, and Kim did the same.

“One of the most effective ways to communicate is to use “I feel” statements. It can help keep an open and honest dialogue going, without devolving into an argument. It allows you to express your feelings without your partner feeling as if you are placing blame or attacking them and prevents them from becoming defensive.”

Seeing the confusion on our faces, she gave us some examples.

“For instance, when this issue with Mitch started, Melanie, you could have said, ‘I feel lonely when you’re gone so much. I would love it if we could do more as a family.’ That puts the focus on your feelings, rather than Ryan’s actions, and could have led to a productive discussion about scaling back his activities without him feeling as if you were nagging him.

Ryan, when you felt as if Melanie was withdrawing physically, you could have said something like, ‘I feel like there’s a distance between us, and I miss the closeness we’ve always had. What can I do to help us reconnect?’ That would have opened the door for Melanie to express her concerns as well. I know it may feel a little awkward at first, but in time, it will become second nature, and it truly does help.”

She smiled at us reassuringly, before moving on to her next point.

“Now, boundaries are the final cornerstone of the foundation you’re building. Boundaries can be hard and fast rules, such as the mandate against strip clubs. They can also be more abstract, such as respect. There’s not just one way to define it, and it’s demonstrated in a myriad of ways, both big and small.”

She sat up straighter in her chair and glanced at both of us. “Your homework, so to speak, for our next session is for each of you to come up with the boundaries for your marriage moving forward. Keep in mind that boundaries are added and modified in healthy relationships, so what you decide on now may not work three years from now. The key is that both of you need to agree on the boundaries before they are put in place, and before any changes to them are made. Complete agreement and understanding is paramount, otherwise, the boundary lines can get blurred, and then they can become easily broken.”

“We can handle that assignment,” Ryan assured her, then added, “Strip clubs are at the top of the list. Never, ever again.”

“Should we add music venues that happen to have strippers, just to cover all our bases?” I couldn’t risk goading him just a little, and Ryan tensed before he saw the sly grin on my face.

“How about no establishments that feature naked people in any way, shape, or form?” He arched his brow teasingly, but his voice was completely and utterly serious.

“That sounds perfect.”

“I’d like to leave you with one last suggestion before our session ends. I think the idea of revisiting your courtship is a good one, Ryan. You didn’t mention whether intimacy factors into that, and you aren’t obligated to share that information with me.”

I squirmed a little, because Ryan and I hadn’t even broached the subject. I shot him a quick glance and saw that he looked as uncomfortable as I felt.

“However, I would urge you to build a solid foundation for that part of your marriage as well. Affectionate acts, without any further expectations attached, are powerful tools to help build trust when intimacy has been negatively affected. Holding hands, casual hugs, kisses on the cheek, snuggling on the couch, all of those will help bridge that connection. Just something for you to consider.”