Page 74 of Marriage and the Midlife Crisis

“Well, we’re doing our best, so hopefully it won’t come to that.”

I shared with her some of Kim’s thoughts on the importance of communication. “She and I are going to work on that for a bit tomorrow, before Ryan joins us. She’s going to help me say goodbye to the doormat.”

“And hello to the lady balls,” Jen said, raising her glass with a chuckle. I clinked my glass to hers and laughed.

“Yes, the lady balls will be back for good.”

Shortly after I got back to the condo, my phone chimed with a text.

Ryan: Let me know when you get back safely.

Me: I just walked in the door ten minutes ago.

Ryan: Good. I hope you two had a great time. Goodnight, sweets. I love you, and I’ll see you tomorrow.

His “I love you” text made me pause, as it had each time he’d done it, but I just couldn’t bring myself to return it. I still loved the man I’d married, but as I’d told Jen, a small part of me was still wary that his return to being that man was only temporary, as it had been several times over the past year.

He’s never been this sincere, or this apologetic, I reminded myself. Still, I needed more time to see consistent change before I could allow myself to believe that this time was different.

So, I settled for sending a simple “Goodnight” text back to him.

The office was crazy the next day as we ran into a major issue with a shipping delay which required us to pivot to a secondary supplier. By the time it was sorted out, I had to hurry to get to Kim’s office on time.

I hustled into the building with two minutes to spare, only to find Ryan pacing back and forth in the lobby. A look of relief crossed his face when he caught sight of me. We strode quickly down the hall to the suite housing the therapy offices, and he asked if everything was OK.

“Yes,” I replied somewhat breathlessly. “This afternoon just turned into a shitshow at work, and I got out of there a little later than I’d intended.”

After we signed in at the front desk, he took a seat in the waiting room as the receptionist told me that Kim was ready for me.

Once I was settled in my usual spot, I reached for a bottle of water and gratefully took a long gulp, then brushed a wayward lock of hair out of my face.

“Rough day?” Kim asked with a laugh.

“Chaotic afternoon at work, but I survived without strangling anyone, so we’ll count it as a win.”

“Glad to hear that. Now, shall we jump into the deep end?”

I braced myself and nodded.

“All right then, let’s talk some more about finding your voice.”

We spent the next fifteen minutes or so talking about how I interact with other people, aside from Ryan – friends, family, coworkers, and clients.

“So, it seems as if you don’t hesitate to assert yourself when necessary, and you’re willing to press the issue if you truly believe there’s a problem, or a better way of doing something. Would you agree?”

“Yes. I’m not confrontational by nature, so I usually start with a softer approach. You can catch more flies with honey, as the saying goes, but I can and do stand up for myself if being nice about it doesn’t get my point across.”

“Yet it doesn’t seem as if you do that with Ryan, or at least not since your marital troubles started.”

“No,” I admitted quietly.

“Did you hold back before things started getting rocky?”

“Not at all. I’ve had no problem going toe-to-toe with Ryan over the years, although there haven’t been many occasions when it’s been necessary.”

“Then it doesn’t seem as if we’re dealing with correcting a power imbalance, so that’s good. It’s not as if you feel that you can’t confront him, you simply chose not to given the circumstances of his dad and Grady dying. Does that seem like an accurate assessment?”

“Exactly, and then the issues snowballed out of control, and it was like trying to stop a runaway train. Nothing I said or did was effective, and I got tired of…not being heard, I guess. Not being chosen. That’s when I backed down,” I whispered.