Page 16 of Yearning

The colonel found her there, and she was yawning.

“Time to go home?” he said.

“I am looking for my sister,” she said.

“Oh, she went home hours ago,” said the colonel. “She wished to stay for your sake. She was quite pleased you were dancing so much.”

Elizabeth groaned. “Oh, dear. I would have left, truly. My dance card was rather full, but it was only because it was such a crowded ball, I think.”

“Yes, it has nothing to do with the look of you, clearly,” said the colonel, amused.

She was embarrassed. Was that a compliment? Was she meant to thank him?

“I shall see you home,” said the colonel.

“You and me, without a chaperone?” she said, yawning again. “I suppose I am already on the shelf now. Perhaps I’m ruined, since I saw them changing my husband’s clout.”

“Not your husband,” said the colonel. “And that was my fault, and I think it was cruel of me. I ought not have pushed. I thought to… I know not.”

“I do not believe you. I think you do know.” She yawned again. She was too tipsy. She would not have said such a thing otherwise.

He laughed softly. “All right, then, Miss Bennet, if you would have me mortify myself further, back then, I think… I wanted to turn you from him to me. But now I see—”

“I have been thinking about babes,” she said, interrupting him. “Nothing but babes. My sister—well, it’s a secret, do not go spreading it about, she is but two months along—”

“No wonder she was exhausted,” said the colonel.

Elizabeth squared her shoulders. “Well, ever since then, it is all I think of.”

The colonel gave her a look, and it was not a pitying look, but it was a look of sheer sympathy. She did not entirely know what the difference was between these sorts of looks, but there was a difference. Perhaps it was a lack of the other person considering himself better than her, she did not know. He reached out and took her hand. “I am ever so sorry, madam. He has mentioned to me how much you love children.”

“He talks to you of me?”

“He is convinced that you must be shut of him,” said the colonel, “but you already know this.”

“Well, he has been avoiding speaking to me,” said Elizabeth. “I think he is pretending to be asleep.”

“Oh, he does that,” said the colonel.

“I know,” she said, shaking her head, angry. And then, a yawn broke through.

“Miss Bennet, I think you are falling asleep on your feet,” said the colonel. “I shall have the carriage brought round.”

“Yes, thank you, sir,” she said, smiling at him. There was something here, between them, was there not? It was a kind of affection, but she did not think it was that kind, not truly. He did not even look at her the way that Baron Hellig had.

Later, in the carriage, it was dark, and she felt more alert for some strange reason. It seemed easier to speak in the darkness. She said, “I wish to ask you something, colonel.”

“Of course.”

“It is not a proper sort of question,” she said.

He sucked in a sharp breath. “We are beyond propriety, you and I, Miss Bennet.”

“Yes,” she said. “I have been thinking that I know why Mr. Darcy wished to marry me, but I think I want you to confirm it.”

“What do you mean? Any man would be pleased to have you as a wife.”

“That is not so,” she said. “I am sure any number of your relatives had objections to me. I know how Lady Catherine felt. I am not the right sort of woman for your cousin.”