Page 37 of Yearning

“How could you know? He could say all manner of things, and—”

“Well, if you’re accusing me of going to his bed, I think I would have noticed then, would I not?”

“Did you go to his bed?”

“I did not,” she said. “But I did see him there, once. He was… they had to change him when he soiled himself and he was asleep much of the time, and I looked because… oh, I do not know. I had to see.”

Her husband let out a breath, and he bowed his head. “I am so sorry, Elizabeth. This is beneath me. I should not have accused you of…” He sucked in a breath. “So, tell me?”

“About his, um…?”

He nodded.

“Half of it is gone,” she said. “The bollocks are entirely gone. It’s just a sort of… stump.”

Her husband went white-lipped.

She sat back down on the bed.

“I shall never, ever accuse you of… I am sorry.” He quit the room.

She called after him, “It is still the case that I have not bled!”

He came back. He crossed the room and pulled her up off the bed and into his arms. “You have not bled,” he said and he kissed her.

She looked into his eyes. “We cannot be certain, I suppose, but…”

“I hope it’s a girl. I do not have any girls.”

She put a hand to his cheek. “I want to give you a girl, if I can, then.”

“As sweet as you are, my darling.”

She kissed him.

III

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

WHEN ELIZABETH WAS in her sixth month of pregnancy, she told her husband she wished to go and see her sister Jane, and he said that he was unavailable to accompany her. He was busy with various issues with his second son, who had gotten himself into some trouble with bad investments. Her husband had leveled a lawsuit at the man who had gotten his son into this pickle, and this was all taking up a great deal of time.

Her husband said that she might go on her own, however, and that it might be good for her to get that last of her wanderings out before the babe came.

Jane and Bingley no longer resided at Netherfield. The proximity to Mrs. Bennet had proved to be a bit too much for them, even amiable Bingley who never had a quarrel with anyone. They had, instead, taken residence in Derbyshire, not too far from Pemberley.

Elizabeth did not allow herself to factor this into her reckonings about why she wished to go and visit Jane. It clearly had nothing to do with that, as did the fact that she had learned that Mr. Darcy had retired semi-permanently to his country estate. None of that mattered. What mattered was seeing Jane.

She arrived in early December, and she stayed through Christmas. She was planning to go home in January.

During this time, of course, she did not say anything at all about Mr. Darcy. She knew that Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley were still friendly, and that the Bingleys had dined at Pemberley on occasion since arriving, so it was not out of the realm of possibility that they could all call upon him or that he could call at their house.

However, she did not say anything about this at all.

One thing she insisted upon, weather permitting, was a daily walk. It was December, so the weather was brisk, but Elizabeth simply bundled herself up and said she liked a walk in the brisk air. To her chagrin, Jane always came along, and she often brought the oldest of her children. The youngest was a babe, not yet a year old, so that child stayed safe inside, snug with her nannies. But the oldest child, a little boy who was two years old, had a great deal of energy, and a walk with auntie and mama was ever so exciting for him. He was steady on his feet but not yet so adventurous to get ahead of them. Of course, at some point during the walk, he would appeal to either his mother or his aunt to be picked up and carried, and they would oblige. He truly was a winsome creature. His name was Ferdinand, and they called him Ferdy.

However, Elizabeth found the company on the walks bothersome, because she had never really intended to walk daily in brisk December weather. She had intended to walk to Mr. Darcy’s house.

Perhaps this desire was not quite at the front of her brain, but rather simmering half-formed in the depths of her mind, somewhere she could not quite acknowledge it.