Page 65 of Yearning

Likely, he supposed, it was only that. It was that same bit of pain—being unmanned in the eyes of everyone else, not being man enough to claim her or marry her or be the surrogate father to her children or make her mistress of his estates.

But it was not about that, not in the end.

It was only about her.

This was the first time they could be together, and he must be with her. If he threw this chance away because she would not marry him, he would be a fool. It was not as if he had not had a (very brief, admittedly) affair with a widow once in his youth. It was not a strictly proper thing to do, but no one was hurt by it.

Suddenly, there was a knock on his door.

He assumed it was the servant come to help him dress. “Come,” he called.

The door opened, but it seemed there was no one there opening it.

And then he realized that was because someone quite small had opened the door. He looked down on little Lily, who he had not seen since she was first born.

“Hello,” said the small girl. “I am not supposed to come and knock on your door. If Nanny finds out, she will be ever so cross. I should like to close the door now and have it be a secret between you and me.”

Darcy chuckled at the sheer cheek of the little girl. “Well, indeed, shut that door at once.” The little girl looked quite a bit like her mother. She was very pretty and very small, and he was charmed. Maybe it was because he had held her when she was but moments old, but it could not be that, could it? It had been four years since then and could affection linger so intensely? Maybe it was because she was Elizabeth’s? He felt strongly that he would love any child of Elizabeth’s rather fiercely.

Whatever it was, it was a kind of magic spell. He sat down on the bed, unlacing his brace from his arm, as the girl shut the door and stepped further into the room.

“I heard we had a guest staying,” said Lily, “and I asked if I could come to dinner, and Nanny said that it would only be grown-ups, which seemed a great pity, because then, how could I see you?”

“Ah, I see your dilemma,” he said. “Best to come and sneak a look at me, then?”

She nodded. “Exactly my thinking.” She was very solemn, as if she were a miniature grown woman. She tilted her head to one side and took him in.

“Well?” he said. “What do you make of me?”

“I am not sure,” she said. She pointed to the cane brace. “I have never seen one of these before. What is it?”

“This is my brace,” he said. “It’s attached to a cane. You have seen canes before?”

“Well, yes, but only very old people use them,” she said. “And you are not very old, but only sort of old.”

He laughed, still charmed. “Yes, only sort of old. But you see, I am missing a leg.” He rapped on the shin of his fake leg. “This is made of wood.”

“Is it?” She was stunned. She rushed over, hand outstretched. Then, she paused, looking up at him. “May I touch it?” she asked.

“Of course.” He lifted his trousers to show her the wooden leg, the leather straps that attached it to his leg, all of it.

The little girl’s eyes shone with wonder as she ran her finger up and down it. “Astonishing,” she said.

He was well and truly gone. This little girl had quite stolen his heart, and he could not say why, not entirely, but there it was. “You see,” he explained, “I need to have a bit of balance, and the cane on this arm helps. Otherwise, I should not be able to walk upright at all.”

“Oh,” said Lily. “You would have to sit down all the time?”

“You do not know what it is to stand until you cannot,” he said.

“I quite imagine that’s true,” said Lily very seriously. “I am so glad you have a way to stand, then. It’s wondrous and so amazing. What happened to your arm and leg?”

“A horse,” he said.

“Oh, dear,” she said. “That’s very awful. Did it hurt a lot?”

“Quite a lot,” he said.

Another knock at the door, but the other person did not wait before thrusting the door open. It was a woman with a pinched face, hair falling out around her face. “Lily, how dare you?” To Mr. Darcy, “I am ever so sorry, sir, you must accept my apologies. She got away from me when I was not looking, and I have been seeking her since. She is a slippery thing, like a fish.”