Page 79 of Yearning

His countenance twisted. “Elizabeth, I hate that I have caused you so much pain.”

She knew that. “Oh, I am making too much of it,” she muttered.

“You are not making too much. You are feeling whatever you are feeling,” he said. “But I do very much wish to marry you. I want it badly, more than I can say. We could have a small wedding here, and it would all be settled. Then, when you are ready, I could take you and Lily off to Pemberley. And when you are living in my house as my wife, perhaps you will feel, I know not, but safer?”

He was correct about this. It would do a good bit to soothe her, knowing they were bound together. It did a great deal towards it all to know he wished it so adamantly. She gave him a small smile and nodded.

“Yes?” he said.

“Yes, please,” she said.

So, he went out and had the banns announced in the local church.

Weeks later, they had a very small wedding, no real guests to speak of besides Lily. It was quiet because they were not ready to leave the dower house yet, and the new baron would have sent her off straightaway.

It was better after that.

Their lovemaking did not always involve actual coitus. Sometimes, they merely pleasured each other. She did witness one of his climaxes that happened when he was not erect, and she thought it reminded her of her own. She mused that their bodies were not as different as they seemed, perhaps. They both had a concentrated place of sensation, and they both reached their pinnacles in much the same ways.

And then she was showing the fact that the babe was growing in her, and they decided it was time that they left. Mr. Darcy said he wanted to take them all home. Lily was both sad to leave behind the dower house where memories of her father were close and excited to see Pemberley, which Mr. Darcy had told her so much of.

They took her servants and packed up several carriages-worth of all their belongings and made the long journey to their new home.

Even then, sometimes, she had to reassure herself that he was not going anywhere, that he was her husband, that he was hers.

Sometime on the trip to Pemberley, the babe quickened in her for the first time, and she told him, and his eyes shone. He kissed her, just above her eyebrow. “You know, I have been a wretched cad to you, over and over, and I have abandoned you and you are right to censure me.”

She eyed him. “Is this an apology, Mr. Darcy, because if so, I think you’re improving.”

“Well, Mrs. Darcy, I was going to finish by saying that I am glad, in some ways, that I did things the way I did them.”

She was aghast. “There you are, doing it again.”

“I only mean, you are radiant when you are with child,” he said, smiling at her. “I cannot get you with child, Elizabeth, and I would not have this any other way. Not you, not Lily, not this one.” His hand settled on her belly.

She could have argued, because there could have been ways for them to have children. They could have been together from the start. But perhaps…

She lay her head on his shoulder. “I shall never admit this aloud again, so listen closely and remember it.”

“Oh?” he said.

“Perhaps in some ways you were right to give me what you gave me. You wanted me to have a full life, and I have had one. It is hard to wish to erase one’s life, of course, so it is hard for me to say that I regret anything. Perhaps, however, I am grateful to you for it.”

“Really?” He turned his head to kiss her forehead. “And you will never say this aloud again?”

“Never,” she said. “You already think all your ideas are unerringly correct, and I refuse to add to your arrogance.”

He laughed softly. “I was a fool to let you go.”

“You were,” she said.

“It was not about you. I was… I still… I do not wish to be a burden to you.”

“Of course you are a burden.”

He drew back.

“And I am a burden on you, and Lily is a burden as well, and so is everyone that we love. I do not mind it. I love you.” She lay her head back down on his shoulder.