Page 96 of Take Her On

Jamie sat on her bed with a sigh. When Maya hovered awkwardly, not knowing whether to join her, she patted the space beside her.

Maya fought the instinct to reach out and cup her face as she joined her on the bed. Jamie’s sunken blue eyes wandered the walls around them, holding so much sadness she wanted to clutch her close to her chest and not let go. She hadn’t even reached out to her to see if she was okay. She’d been spending too much time feeling sorry for herself.

Nice going, Maya.

“How are you?” she asked, afraid to hear the answer.

“Not great. How about you?”

“Yeah, not great.” She shifted on the bed. Had Leah told her what had happened? Where was she even supposed to start? Words never did come easily to her. How could she begin to unravel everything tangled in her brain?

She looked at Jamie again. The soft slope of her nose and her chin dimple. The heart-shaped curve of the mouth that was usually grinning or laughing at something—now downturned and sad. There was not a lot Maya hated more than seeing Jamie upset, but Maya being the reason for it was crushing.

“I’m sorry, Jamie,” she began, her voice sticking in her throat. “I’m sorry for the way I reacted. I was caught off guard, and my head was all over the place.” She looked away. Jamie’s gaze on her made it difficult to think. She picked at the skin of her thumb.

“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner,” Jamie said quietly. “It’s just…kind of impossible to talk about.” She shook her head. “I tried. I promise you, I did try to tell you. But as soon as I felt you looking at me, I couldn’t get the words out.”

Maya knew the feeling. Suddenly, she had an idea. Jamie flinched as she leaped off the bed and crossed the room to the light switch. In Maddie’s safe space, the darkness had been comforting, like she was sharing her feelings with the endless sky. They didn’t have a projector this time, but she hoped it would bring a similar sense of safety. She flipped the switch, and the room was cloaked in darkness.

She fumbled her way back to the bed, feeling half as confident in her theory and twice as stupid. The slivers of light poking either side of the blinds helped guide the way just enough for her not to trip and fall.

“Is my bed hair really that bad?” Jamie said as Maya rejoined her. In the darkness of the room, Maya could just make out her fuzzy silhouette, but none of her sad features.

“My friend does this,” she explained. “It makes it easier to talk about things when you can’t see people looking at you. I thought it might help.”

Jamie sighed. “I don’t know, Maya.”

“Do you want me to go first?” When Jamie didn’t reply, she sucked in a deep breath and let it go. “I’ve realised quite a lot about myself the last few days. You asked me at the beach why I used to drink, right?” She took another breath to steady herself and calm her thundering heart. “I said it was to forget, but maybe it was more about running away. I think I’ve been running away from a lot of things for a while. The future. The past. Well, even the present.”

She remembered Grandpa’s words in her head. You can’t spend ya whole life being scared.

“I think the reality is that I’m scared. That’s what it boils down to. I’m scared of letting down my family, of being a failure. I wanted to prove Mum wrong, for all of it to mean something. I was scared of everything changing. Of losing Carly. About my life after this. But most of all, I’m scared of my feelings for you.”

The words sucked up all the air in the room.

Jamie put her hand on Maya’s leg. She exhaled a shaky breath, touched by her gesture of comfort.

“What is it that scares you?” Jamie asked.

“There’s so much force in these feelings. I think I’m terrified to give somebody that power over me. ’Cos if I did, they’d have the power to break me. How could I let them do that?”

Maya’s eyes pricked, and she squeezed them shut. It was a constant battle, siphoning as much of herself as she could give away. She didn’t want to have to do that anymore.

She opened her eyes and tried to find Jamie’s in the darkness. “I don’t want to spend my whole life scared. I know there’s no guarantees of this working out or of you not breaking my heart, but if I don’t give us a chance, it’s going to break my heart anyway. There’s risk. There’s always going to be…but I don’t want to live with regret. I want to take a leap of faith. With you. If you want that.” She threaded her fingers through Jamie’s, brushing her thumb over her knuckles. “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you. I think in some way I was just looking for any excuse to not make this work. Anything to push you away. To protect myself. So when I heard what happened, my brain just seized it and ran with it. I’m really sorry.”

Jamie squeezed her hand. “Thank you. Thanks for being so honest with me. I know it’s not always easy for you.” She blew out a breath, and it tickled Maya’s face. Maya wished she could see her expression, but she let herself be guided by her voice.

“Football was my life,” Jamie went on. “The team. My friends. All of it. We were unbeatable. The team was very competitive, as you know. Dad used that to his advantage.” She paused, and Maya’s heart jumped into her throat. “I was seeing a girl on the team, that’s true. I just didn’t think it was my dad’s idea to cover his own tracks. To think he did that under my nose, and to pit people against each other, makes me sick.” She swallowed. “I couldn’t believe it when it came out. It didn’t feel real. It was awful, but I didn’t think for one second that the team would all turn their backs on me. I hadn’t known anything about it. They were supposed to be my friends. But that’s people for you. They changed at the drop of a hat, making out like I was in on this sick scheme. It didn’t even make sense. What would I get out of something like that? But they just wanted to play whatever narrative suited them.”

Maya’s chest ached. She’d never heard Jamie sound so small, so defeated. It made her want to go back in time and make the Harriers pay for everything they’d done to her. Especially her dad. Jamie deserved to be treated better by the world. She had the biggest heart Maya had ever known.

She hated that Robyn had made her doubt that. She tried to quell the anger churning inside. Jamie wasn’t finished yet. She squeezed her hand.

“We used to get hate mail. Things thrown at the house. My teammates wouldn’t talk to me. How was what my dad did my fault?” Jamie broke into a sob, and Maya pulled her close, wrapping her arms around her. She rocked her as she cried on her chest. “I had to hide that entire summer,” Jamie said. “Do you know how embarrassing that is?”

“I’m so sorry,” Maya whispered into her hair, breathing in her scent. “I hate that you went through that.”

She held her while she cried, all the time her heart threatening to burst. How could they do that to her? How could her dad? She really wanted to ask the questions, but she didn’t want to push her. She understood how hard it was to open up. She combed her fingers through Jamie’s thick hair, holding her close in the safety of the darkness. When she’d stopped heaving, Maya brushed her wet cheeks with her fingers. She never wanted Jamie to feel this way ever again.