Page 29 of The Forbidden Fling

Talk about being put on the spot. She gripped her glass tighter. Happiness, true happiness, was something she hadn’t felt in a long time. She’d had fleeting moments, which came like passing streetlights, brightening her life for a second before dipping into country-lane darkness, but nothing that stayed.

Pre- and post-surgery, after every flare-up or hurried dash to the bathroom to check for a leak, a thought always stuck with her. “I just want to be normal,” she said, low and quiet.

He let out a hum. “It’s a funny word, isn’t it? Normal. What does normal even mean, in a world as diverse as this?”

She tangled her clammy hands in her lap, hoping he didn’t expect her to answer that.

Luckily, after a moment’s quiet, he continued, “Ever since we take our first breath, the world starts evaluating us, assessing where we fit into its boxes. It starts small—our heart rate, our weight—and builds into lists that seem as tall and dense as forests. Have lots of friends, but don’t be too social. Excel at work. Build a career. Buy a house. Have children. To be ‘normal’ means to be with the majority. To be accepted. And there’s nothing wrong with that, if that fulfils you here.” He placed a hand over his chest, his rings reflecting the sunlight. “But if you’re following these parameters to please others and satisfy their needs, you will never be happy. Something will always be missing when ignoring our true self.”

He paused, letting the words hang in the air between them. His voice softened. “Have you ever wished you were someone else?”

Faye traced the pocket on her shorts with her finger. It felt wrong to admit, but she nodded, anyway, unable to form the words in her throat.

“May I ask why?”

“I’ve always felt different… Wrong.” The humidity in the room tripled in size, sinking into her lungs, pressing onto her shoulders. “A disappointment to my dads.” Tears pricked her eyelids. “I wanted to be better. For them.”

“Have your parents ever expressed their disappointment with you?”

“No, but this couldn’t have been what they were expecting when they adopted me.”

“Perhaps not. But to assume that that equals disappointment is a damaging assumption.” He stroked his chin. “When we confuse our assumptions with the truth, we can create problems for ourselves that never existed. When that inner world starts to colour our outer world, it distorts our reality too. Assumptions can be very damaging. A slippery slope created by our own doing.” His eyes flicked to hers, steady and warm. “You have a big heart. I feel it. The way you care for the world is admirable. But what I feel is missing is that same love and care for yourself. Would you agree?”

Well, shit.

Something deep inside her chest flinched. But she knew she had to answer. “I… Yes.”

“Admitting these things doesn’t come easy. But it’s a very important step. Thank you for sharing that with me.” He inclined his head, and Faye noticed his thinning hair rounding in the middle. “Many people spend their lives looking over the garden fence,” he continued, “wanting to be someone else, wishing for greener, thicker grass. All the while, they’re missing the riches at their own feet.”

He leaned forward, the scent of sandalwood following him. “Part of your time here is to identify your core needs so that you can embrace all of your uniqueness. When we love ourselves for who we are, accepting our differences and imperfections, we can celebrate life again.”

His words stirred something primal in Faye’s soul, and she wanted to grip it and bottle it so it couldn’t get away. If this was what having the enigma felt like, she could get used to it.

“Aligning your state of mind with your soul, connecting with your higher self, and reuniting with your familiar guide are all part of embracing your personal journey here.”

My familiar guide. With all the distractions these last few days, that detail had almost slipped her mind. Completion of the course awarded guests with their spirit familiar, their own personal guide to support them in their next steps. Faye had always wondered which animal she connected with the most, and why they’d hidden in the shadows for so long.

She could’ve used some guidance.

Senhor Arenoso opened his arms. “When we filter out the other voices and listen to ourselves, we can find true, unblemished happiness. True transformation starts within.” He let the words settle before asking, “Shall we begin the guided meditation?”

She grinned. “Let’s do it.”

* * *

The scorching concrete burned Faye’s soles as she drove herself up the hillside. The slope clawed her backwards, each step like sinking quicksand. Damn this heavy T-shirt. Her mind ached too, drained from the conversation with Senhor Arenoso, though all she’d done was sit and listen to him.

She paused, lungs heaving, and took a long gulp from her electrolyte drink. It was easier to get dehydrated with an ostomy, so she had to be careful. The last thing she wanted to do was piss it off and end up in the hospital.

Long, sandy beaches stretched out below her, with shearwaters and gulls ferrying overhead like mini planes. Her heart stuttered as she spotted someone by the cliffs who resembled Diana. But when she blinked, there were only the shadows from the jagged rocks. She turned to the white sands dotted with people lounging under yellow parasols, then to the bobbing bodies breaking the waves and enjoying the cooling relief of the sea. A smidge of envy settled in her chest, amplifying that familiar feeling of wishing to be someone else.

The feeling usually went unacknowledged, but this time, she plucked it from her thoughts, giving it a heavier weight. It was true she wanted that enigma, the confidence and strength to push herself, to be unapologetically her…to make a difference. But loving herself? That was easier said than done.

Faye didn’t mind a bit of hippie ideology here and there. The flower-power era was pretty cool in the sixties, but honestly, she could think of better gifts than loving herself—like a working intestine, for one.

A trickle of sweat dripped down her neck. She was too tired and hot to think about all this now. She needed to lie down.

As she pushed her feet back into the hard ground and took a step, someone called her name. But it was the shrill whine accompanying it that made her stomach drop.