Page 105 of Before the Encore

Madison’s ears warmed, the compliment still new to her. Bonnie brushed over the black shirt, Madison’s final choice—smart, well-fitting, the lack of colour not giving anything away. Perhaps it would be a reflection of the state of her maternal relationship, depending on how the day went.

“Anything else from Bailey?” she asked.

“Another email with more threats…He’s going to sue me. No one else will work with me.” Bonnie bit her lip. “That firing him is a terrible mistake.”

“It’s all talk. He can’t touch you. Remember that.”

Bonnie nodded, but Madison saw through it, the fear that lingered in her eyes.

Madison squeezed Bonnie’s hip. “It’s going to be fine. I promise—scout’s honour.”

Bonnie’s mouth curved, then she cupped Madison’s cheek. “How are you doing?”

She drew in a long, deep breath, trying to force a confidence she didn’t feel. “I’m good.”

But Bonnie saw right through it too, pressing her free hand to Madison’s chest. “It’s going to be okay.”

Madison could only nod and hope she was right.

Bonnie drove them up the M1, radio on, aircon hissing, sun beating down through the windscreen. Madison jiggled her leg, unable to get comfortable, the endless tarmac and blur of cars not enough of a distraction. So much so, Bonnie had to pull over at Toddington services so Madison could drive the rest of the way—at least then she had something to concentrate on.

But as the motorway fed into the outskirts of the city, her jiggly leg returned. Even her music blasting loud through the speakers didn’t help.

Bonnie turned the volume down and placed her hand on Madison’s thigh. “It’s been a year. You’re bound to be nervous.”

Madison nodded, overtaking the slowest van in the world before pulling back in. She didn’t know how to voice everything inside her head, like how her mum stole bottles of wine from the big Tesco on their right or how she’d punched boys beside the local park’s creaking swings for saying things about her mum. They weren’t far now.

So many things could go wrong. Her mum could be dressed in her pajamas or passed out on the sofa. What if she was drunk?

Her fingers tightened on the wheel. Memories pried at the corners of her mind, trying to peel back the corners. Drunken arguments that ended in tears. Scrubbing her mum’s vomit from the carpet.

“You’re just like your father, Madison. A deadbeat, heartless, fuck-up.”

Madison wasn’t the fuck-up. She wasn’t. Her pulse ticked faster in her neck. The houses grew smaller, the roads dirtier. She didn’t want to look at Bonnie’s face, afraid of what she’d see.

This was a terrible idea.

Madison didn’t bring girlfriends home. She didn’t bring anyone home. Not her friends—not even Kam. She didn’t want their pity, didn’t want them to see the parts of her she hid away. They wouldn’t understand. And she didn’t work so hard at keeping it concealed to undo all of that progress now.

She pulled up on the side of the road, the sudden brakes throwing them both forward.

Bonnie steadied herself with a hand on the dashboard. “Madison—”

“I can’t do this.”

“You can. Give—”

“No, Bonnie. I can’t.” Madison blinked back tears, pressing her fingers to her eyes. “Fuck’s sake.” She bit hard on the inside of her cheek, forcing the emotion back down.

“It’s normal to be feeling how you are,” Bonnie said gently.

“I hate it,” she ground out through gritted teeth.

She hated how the pressure grouped over her like a cloud, how the uncertainty crept in and her fears gained courage. All the hurtful comments people told her flooded her brain—her teachers at school, Meg from the bar, even her own fucking parents—rising, multiplying, drowning out everything else. You don’t deserve it. Not someone like you. She didn’t belong in million-pound houses in LA, eating at the fanciest, most expensive restaurants.

“You’ll never escape it. It’s in your blood.”

Doubt crept in, tightening around her ribs and constricting. How long was she going to pretend?