Page 28 of Off Sides

To go on an actual date with another guy . . .

I watch as they sit in their car, and Jonah goes kind of quiet, his eyes locked on the screen as David leans in and kisses Patrick for the first time. My heart flutters in my chest, and my whole body goes on full-alert. Not because I’m turned-on or anything, like the few times I’ve watched porn on my phone, which rarely happens because afterword, I feel paranoid and jumpy for days. Like someone might find out what I did.

This is different. And yet it’s the same too. Two men together—it’s something magical. Something almost like a fairytale I thought I’d made up when I was younger and didn’t really have crushes on girls but dared to dream about maybe falling in love with a boy someday.

I turn my head to look at Jonah, who slowly turns his to look at me too, a soft smile on his beautiful face. “Jonah?”

“Yeah?” his voice is a soft whisper.

“I am like you.” I say it so quietly, so slowly, because it takes so much out of me to say the words. Even though I’m not saying anything really. But I watch his throat flex as he swallows, his breathing picking up as he looks at my lips.

Does he want to kiss me?

I think he does.

But he doesn’t move in to do that. He just smiles a little more at me and nods his head subtly. We look at each other, frozen in time, and God, I want to kiss him. I want to take the opportunity to do something I want to do for once.

Well—since the last time I selfishly did something stupid. And this would be stupid. Kissing the coach’s little brother my senior year, when I’m so close to being out of this hellhole.

I don’t think he’d tell anyone. But I do think if I kiss him, I may never stop kissing him, and someone is bound to find out.

Still, I find myself leaning into him, breathing him in. He smells like the locker room soap and popcorn, his lips a little shiny with butter. He starts to lean in too but slowly—letting me take the lead.

Letting me claim what I want.

But just before our lips touch, just as my nose is brushing his, I hear soft little footsteps and “Uncle Jonah?” before pulling back at the same time Jonah does to look at his youngest niece in the hallway, rubbing her eyes.

He looks at me, the disappointment shining there, but then he’s smiling bright as he jumps off the couch to intercept her. “Hey, kiddo. You’re supposed to be asleep.”

“I’m not tired,” she says, yawning.

He picks her up, letting her little head rest on his shoulder before turning to look at me. “I’ll be right back.”

I nod, letting my heart rate slow a little, breathing deeply as he walks away. I sit and wait for him, thinking about the kiss that almost happened.

There’s no denying that’s exactly what was going to happen. I wasn’t just letting it happen either. I was pursuing it. I wanted it.

Craved it.

But maybe Ruby interrupting us was exactly what needed to happen.

I can be friends with Jonah. But he deserves better than a guy who can’t even say the word gay out loud. Who has to hint around about who he is, and it still makes him sick to his stomach not even admitting anything out loud.

I’m fucked up, and he’s beautiful and free.

I can’t do this to him.

This is my problem. Not his.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

jonah

I probably shouldn’t be as happy about Friday as I am.

I mean, I wanted to kiss him, and it didn’t happen. I didn’t want to be pushy about it. I didn’t want him to feel like he had to do it. I wanted it to be his idea. I wanted him to take what he wanted.

But then, as fate would have it, little Ruby woke up, and the moment was kind of over after that. After reading her two stories, she fell asleep, but it was almost thirty minutes later when I got back to the living room.