Page 53 of Eight of Swords, Part Two

Cannot, will not even speak it aloud.

It’s just a nightmare.

Nothing more.

‘No one could do what you’ve done for them.’

‘I know.’ His mouth twists. ‘That’s the problem.’

He looks around, decides to get up.

‘You should go back to sleep.’

Lachlan rubs his eyes with the heel of his palm.

‘I don’t wanna keep dreaming these things.’

‘Maybe if you write them down, it’ll help. We all have different ways of processing things.’

‘I’ve never felt like this before,’ he admits. ‘I don’t know myself.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I feel like there’s something under my skin. A shard of something I didn’t pick out from Sable Key, and it’s… rotting and burrowing. I see Roman’s face all the time. I hear his voice, the last thing he said and the way he said it, how much pain he was in.’ Caught in a brown study, he stares ahead as his eyes sting sharply with tears, a thousand liquid needles that blind him. ‘I’ve seen so many people die. I… I know how much pain he was in, and he didn’t cry or scream. He was kind to his last breath.’

‘You cared about him, Lachlan. Losing someone you care for—’

‘If it was Jules or Mimi, I couldn’t survive it. If it was them… this pain would kill me, I think. I don’t know how anyone survives. How they go on. Why can’t I stop seeing him?’

She turns his face towards her, her hand soft and warm. ‘Guilt.’

‘How do I get rid of it?’

‘I don’t think you can.’

‘Maybe I can track down Craig Fenwick.’

‘That won’t make it better.’

‘It might.’

‘Or maybe it’s just more bloodshed.’

‘That’s what I’m good at.’

‘That’s not all you’re good at.’

‘I can’t feel myself sometimes,’ he whispers. ‘I forget what room I’m in.’

Blaire wipes her eyes briskly, her lips caught between her teeth for a beat.

‘Well, don’t worry because I’ll always be only one or two doors away. I’ll tell you what room you’re in, and I’ll tell you that you need to eat and sleep more and stop blaming yourself for what happened to Roman. No matter where you are, what room, what house, what country or world, I’ll be there to kick your arse and make you roll your eyes because it’s you and me, and no matter what, I have your back in this, heard?’

His shaky smile sends the tears rolling down his cheeks.

He swallows what he can.

‘Heard.’