Page 26 of Nothing to Lose

Seeing this version of Eli shreds me to my core. He deserves so much better than this. I didn’t know what state to expect to find him in when I got here, but all things considered, this is the best option. At least this, I know I can handle. Eli isn’t the vindictive type, nor is he one to lash out for attention or cause a scene. But apparently, he’s not against drowning his sorrows in a bunch of Harrow House fun juice.

I take another step into his space, dropping my head slightly. People are floating around us, but no one seems to care about our private conversation. “The thing is, Eli, I know that something’s eating you alive, and I want to help you through it.”

Eli holds my stare for a few fleeting moments before clearing his throat and looking around the room. “I should, uh, I should get another drink.”

“Absolutely not.”

Eli’s head bounces back in shock, as if I haven’t already taken his cup away. “I wasn’t asking for permission.”

I cross my arms over my chest, daring him to try me. “And yet, I still told you no.”

“You fucking suck.”

“You know firsthand how well I suck, little brother.” Red blooms almost instantly on his cheeks, making him look freshly fucked. I love this look on him. Obsessed with it. “How about we cut you off and head back to Grimsley and get you sobered up. We can talk, or we can sit in silence. Up to you.”

He looks around the room at all the people, bodies grinding as they dance, couples hooking up out in the open, the stench of sweat and alcohol permeating the air. I see the moment he relents. Eli isn’t a drinker, nor is he a partier. So, when I got the text from Silas that he was here and tossing back Harrow House’s notorious fun juice, I was out the door like the room was on fire.

“Fine. We can go. But you’re still a pain in the ass,” he mutters, stumbling into me.

“I’d be pretty worried if you didn’t think so.”

Eli snorts, then laughs weakly. I can’t help but admire him as we walk through the sea of bodies and costumes. He’s so heartbreakingly beautiful.

“I still don’t like you.”

My fingers brush against his hand, his entire body shivering at the contact.

“Liar.”

“I resent how confident you are when it comes to this. It’s bullshit, actually.”

“It’s not bullshit, it’s obvious. You smile every time you insult me, or argue with me, or fight me.”

Eli pauses right outside the large doors of Harrow House. “The fuck I do.”

“You’re literally smiling right now.”

His face falls, as if he’s just now realizing how right I am. “Shut the fuck up,” he snaps.

“Aww, there it is!” I joke, pressing my pointer finger into the slight dimple in his cheek. Eli bats my hand away, and I laugh. “C’mon, let’s get you home.”

The brisk night air seems to sober him just enough that he can walk in a straight line on his own. Campus is mostly quiet, everyone either in their dorm rooms for the night or behind us at Harrow House, partying until the sun rises. Our footsteps echo along the cobblestone walkway as we continue in silence. There’s something so innately profound about being able to be with another human in comfortable silence. To have zero expectations of each other and simply exist. I wish I could give that to Eli in every area of his life. And that has nothing to do with my own selfish desire to be with him. Eli is hanging on to a lot of fear and pressure, and I don’t want that for him. No one should feel like they have to live like that.

“Why are you always so nice to me? I’m an asshole.” Eli says the words, and they stop me in my tracks. The streetlight catches the sharp lines of his face just enough that I can see the concern settling into his features, the self-doubt, the worry. I look around, making sure we’re completely alone before reaching out and softly running the back of my fingers across his cheek with affection. It comes so easily to me with him.

“Because I understand your why, and I’m strong enough to handle it.”

“I keep . . .” His words stick, clogging up his throat. I don’t push or rush him, just stand there silently and patiently, waiting for him to continue once he’s ready. “I keep pushing you away.”

A bitter laugh escapes my lips. “Ya think?” Jesus, he’s fought me every step of the way. But he’s worth the effort it takes to break down these walls.

“But you don’t seem to take the hint.”

“Because you don’t mean them.”

“I snap at you.”

“And?”