Page 103 of The False Flat

“Sure we should ruin a marriage?”

“Positive, I’d want to know if—”

My thoughts came to a screeching halt because Kellan walked over. I immediately started to shake.

“You guys with us all day today?” she asked.

I felt silly for wanting to avoid her, but she was like a walking grenade in my mind, and I was scared that if she said the wrong thing, I’d break again.

So I was thankful when Grant spoke. “I’m afraid not.” He stood. “We’ve got the second half of our ride back home, and we need to get an early start if we’re going to enjoy everything on the list.” He held his arm out to me. “If you’ll excuse us, Kellan, we need to grab a quick bite before we head out.”

When William and Deanna returned, Grant hurried us through breakfast, despite William wanting to savor the food and Deanna wanting to rest.

They didn’t understand his rush.

But I did.

He’d studied my face, and I knew he was registering my paleness, the deer-in-headlights gleam in my eyes. He watched my hands shake so badly I could barely eat. He made small talk to distract me. He pressed the side of his body into mine to steady me, to let me know he was there. And I saw it, all without words; his actions were clear.

Last night, staring at the top of the tent, I’d contemplated breaking things off with him, resigned to being alone with a past I couldn’t seem to let go of. Because just when I’d thought I was moving forward, a handful of drunken words had so easily pulled me back.

But as he herded William, Deanna, and me toward our bikes, even as they were midconversation, midbite, something clicked for me.

There was no way I was letting him go. I might be neurotic, but I wanted him, and I was going to keep him. I had to keep taking steps forward, no matter how small. Had Hannah said that, or was it in one of the books? Didn’t matter. Deep inside, I knew he was what I wanted. I just needed to figure out how to be what he needed.

As our group said our goodbyes, I thought about what I knew Hannah had said. I needed to let Brandon go. His illness and death had been the start of everything else.

I could do this.

I focused on the road, the wheels under me, and the wind on my face. As soon as I got home, I’d open Brandon’s box.

CHAPTER 40

HALF-WHITE, HALF-BLACK

“Listen, I’ve got a really busy day tomorrow, and I’m scheduled for a test at my doctor’s office,” Grant said as we neared my house on the way back to Nashville. “We might not see much of each other this week.”

I straightened in the passenger seat, put the bite of trail mix that was on its way to my mouth back in the bag.

I didn’t know how to take his words and the cautious way in which he’d said them. But the possibility of him not wanting to see me was what loomed largest. Then I reheard the word “test.”

I stared out the window into the dark. “What kind of test?”

He swallowed. “It’s nothing, just a CT scan, maybe something else. Routine.”

“Okay.” The acid in my stomach bubbled like a cauldron.

We pulled into my driveway. Erin wasn’t here, and I remembered that she was moving out, probably already gone.

I opened the car door to get out, but Grant grabbed my arm. “I shouldn’t have told you I loved you.”

Tears instantly burned my eyes. He was taking it back.

“No, no.” He pulled me closer, kissed my head. “I’m handling this all wrong. I do love you.” He closed his eyes and inhaled. “I’m freaking not sleeping with you until you’re sure; then I go and tell you I love you. I’m an idiot because I know you’re not ready. It just slipped out, and it’s not fair.” He put his head on his steering wheel. “None of this is fair.”

“Grant, I—”

He held up a hand to stop me, then gently cupped my chin as he looked directly into my eyes. “I meant every word, but I don’t want to pressure you. I’m not sorry I said the words. I’m just sorry I said them now. It’s not the right time. Am I making sense?”