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Ben barely glanced at the plans. He was frowning, Zoe saw now in irritation, his face shuttered and slightly bleak.
* * *
‘What on earth’s wrong with you?’ she demanded when they had left Clive’s office. ‘The house is ideal, you said so yourself. You’ve got what you’ve always wanted…’
She checked abruptly, hearing the sharp note of bitterness in her voice.
‘We haven’t got anything yet, Zoe,’ Ben told her curtly. ‘You heard what Clive said about the possibility of our not getting planning permission…’
Zoe made an exasperated noise. ‘That wasn’t what he said at all,’ she argued. ‘You weren’t listening to him…’
‘No,’ Ben contradicted her. ‘You’re the one who wasn’t listening. Look, I’ve got to get back to work,’ he told her curtly.
Zoe stared at him. ‘Work? But you’re supposed to be having the whole day off…’
‘Aldo changed his mind.’
* * *
Only another day, Zoe told herself tiredly, and then tensed as she felt the fine shiver that convulsed her.
Had she discussed things with her partner? the counsellor had asked her. But, even if she had wanted to, she couldn’t. They didn’t seem to be able to discuss anything these days without quarrelling.
She bit her lip, mentally acknowledging that she was more than half to blame for that, sometimes almost deliberately picking at Ben, goading him.
She knew he was worried about the hotel, but she sensed that there was something else bothering him as well. So often these days she felt torn between her desire to protect him and her resentment at having to do so, of always being the one who was the strong one. She had told him over and over again that he was worrying unnecessarily about the hotel, looking for problems where none existed. How would he cope if he really had something to worry about… if, like her… ?
She shivered again. No, she was not going to think about that now. After all, it would soon all be over… finished… terminated…
Everything was organised. She finished work at lunchtime. She would come back here to the flat and then go on to the clinic for her appointment.
How long after that would it be before… ? Her body trembled as the feelings which had been growing within her and which she had been fighting so desperately to suppress threatened to overwhelm her.
Why, when everything should have been so easy, so logical, was she feeling like this? she wondered so despairingly. She could not have a child, she didn’t want a child, so why… why did the thought of what lay ahead of her make her tense her stomach muscles so fiercely, so protectively? Why did it make her feel such a surge of anger and resentment against Ben? Why did it weaken her so frighteningly, make her so vulnerable, when she so desperately needed to be strong, not just for her own sake but more importantly for Ben’s?
Ben needed her.
I love him, she whispered into the silence. I love him and there isn’t room in my life for both of you—can’t you understand that?
* * *
Ben watched as Zoe got ready for work. Her hands trembled as she zipped up her skirt. She looked so pale and withdrawn, and she was losing weight. Who was she thinking about when she had that distant look in her eyes? The man he was losing her to?
When was she going to tell him about it? Who was he? he wondered jealously. Someone she worked with… a married man perhaps? Was that the reason why she had said nothing—because he wasn’t free to love her? Immediately he felt a surge of angry protectiveness at the thought of someone hurting her.
Zoe was so vulnerable, even if she herself did not know it.
He watched her broodingly for a few seconds. The hotel and their future, which had been so important to her, no longer seemed to matter to her. She couldn’t even see, as he could, that Clive was seriously concerned that they might not get planning permission.
When he had tried to talk to her about it she had shrugged impatiently, calling him a pessimist.
His throat ached with love for her. There was nothing he wanted to do more than to reach out and take hold of her, but every time he’d tried to touch her recently she had shrugged him off.
‘What time will you be in?’ he asked her quietly as she picked up her coat.
‘Uh… I’m not really sure. I might have to work late.’ Bright colour stung her face as she dipped her head forward, trying to conceal her guilty blush with the tumble of her curls, but Ben had seen it.
‘Again?’ he asked her wryly.
