Page 63 of Pareidolia

Every night, he fucks me until I whimper and ask him for more.

The longer I stay in this cabin, the longer I wonder if I’m ever going to leave the woods again.

The longer I stay here, the longer I realize Duskfen was always going to bring me back, whether I wanted it to or not. The person I am was born here in blood the moment I killed Rory…

The person I’m becoming was born in blood again… and it’s getting harder and harder to fight it.

I’ve spent my entire life trying to make sure that I don’t give in to my desires, that I don’t become the monster I always saw when I let my guard down to look in the mirror.

I’ve spent my entire life chasing the ghost of emotions that died long before I was old enough to remember them…

And now…

Now I’m the monster that I’ve always seen, and I can feel more when I’m with Nox than I have every day of my life put together.

Being a monster, killing with Nox…

It feels more natural to me than any interaction I’ve ever had.

I always thought running from Duskfen was the only way to stay alive… the only way to avoid becoming the thing that I always knew I would be if I let myself…

In a way, it’s true. If I’d never come back here, I would never have met the monster that lives in the woods.

If I’d never come back here, I would never have felt my chest split open, never felt emotions…

I would never have known what it was like to feel…

Content. Whole…

Like I belong.

“I’m going to go into town today to see about a job.” I turn to look at Nox. He’s lying beside me like he has nothing better to do than stay in bed and drink down what I’m sure are the five stages of grief as I come to terms with a truth I’ve been trying to avoid.

“Why?” He’s a fucking king of monosyllabic words.

“If I’m staying here, I need to make sure I can take care of myself… my books do okay, but I can’t count on that money lasting forever.”

Another flicker of annoyance dances across his features. “Why do you need to take care of yourself, little monster? I can do that for you.”

And I’m sure he could—or at least, he’d think so. He’d probably bring me deer and dead people’s clothes and think he was doing a great job.

“Look… as much as you call me a monster, I’m not. I need to at least pretend to interact with people, or I’m going to forget how… besides…” I try to push myself into a sitting position and instantly feel myself jerked back down against his chest. “If I act like I want to be a part of this town, it’ll be easier for me to stay. Even broken humans like me need to put down roots, Nox.”

Roots.

I’d cut myself from the ground a long time ago and promised myself I’d never stay still long enough to feel attached…

I’m starting to think I want that feeling now. I want to be around people, for them to know that I’m here. If I’m going to stay in Duskfen, I need to stay in Duskfen.

If there’s one thing that will tether me here just as much as the shadows crawling around in my chest… I know what it is…

My eyes glance up at the house a few hours later, my fingers squeezing around a key that feels more familiar than it should. It’s the same one I used to take when I snuck out of the house. In all these years, they never changed the locks.

Without the lights on, the windows stare at me like blank, empty eyes. The eyes of the dead—like the couple that Nox killed so I could stay in the cabin he’d found for me in the woods.

He’s probably going to be pissed that I’m here now… but if I’m actually staying, I want warm water and electricity. I want a refrigerator and the ability to call in delivery on the days I don’t feel like moving from my computer.

I want to pretend that I’m a normal person, even if I know it’s a lie.