Page 34 of The Way the Heart Breaks: Jade’s Story

Thank you.

Song – Pump Up the Jam

July 1990

Guess who is now gainfully employed? ME! And Tessa, too, of course. We’re working at Aunt Josie’s ‘restaurant’, The Spot, through the summer, and then, if we have time, during school and breaks. Cha-ching!

Guess what else? If this year goes well, I get to double up for sophomore-junior year!

Song: Friends in Low Places

September 1990

Molly says grief changes shape every year. Mine just keeps finding new places to live inside me. We had school on the day you both had to leave us. It sucked until I came home and walked the woods. I feel closest to you both there. I mean, the treehouse would be my first choice, but that all went up in smoke. Literally.

When I got back to the house, Tessa, Alex, Ry, and Becca were on the porch, and Dad was pulling in much earlier than he normally does. He grilled for us. I swear you were both here. I felt you in our laughter today.

Dad needed that. We all needed that.

Song: Blaze of Glory

September 1990, again.

We’re going to stay at Tessa’s this weekend for her birthday. It was my idea, and kind of yours too. I had a dream, and both of you were in it. A reminder of how important birthdays are. When we can celebrate them with each other, here on earth, we have to. Please visit me again, and often.

It’s the first time in two birthdays that we broke out her birthday wish book. It felt almost… normal.

Becca, Tessa, Kendall, Molly, and I are going to do mani-pedis and rent movies. Becca stayed the night. She needs a break from the nasty, nasty girl who lives with them, Amanda.

I thought after the accident, when she wasn’t being a bitch to me, she’d settled into her new home, and that shove was a fluke.

Wrong.

She pushed me again today from behind. This time, I pushed her back. She told me I was fat. I told her she was fugly. Mrs. Pitcher heard me. I swear, she chuckled as she passed by. She seriously just kept walking.

Song: She Ain’t Worth It

November 1990

Molly has a job at the GNC Clothing store in Ithaca when she’s on break from college. She gets 50% off all their clothes, which, of course, means so do we. Well, sort of.

Tessa and I went with her to spend her whole shift at the mall. We told Aunt Maggie and Uncle John we were going to see Home Alone, but we didn’t end up watching it. We watched Misery.

The title was kind of ironic because when we left the theatre, we saw her walking out of the movie we were supposed to see. She was with that man, Carl. He’s pasty white and thin; someone you would avoid unless he was with someone else you couldn’t. The worst part is that she looks almost like the real Janet Ross, especially compared to him. She was smiling, head tossed back in a laugh. The kind she used to laugh with us. But it wasn’t us she was laughing with; it was two little girls who looked like him.

I froze again, like I did when I knew the sirens in the distance were coming to the scene of your accident and when I saw her in the burning treehouse. Tessa pulled me out of the theatre and held my hand as she hurried us through the crowd toward the closest exit.

I think I held my breath until we were out, and I inhaled all that cold November air.

She followed me, fucking followed me, and yelled my name. I turned as she hurried to me like she was going to hug me, but she stopped abruptly, eyes clear until they filled with tears. You know what she said to me? “Beautiful girl, you look like them and a life I no longer deserve. I’m so sorry.” Not my beautiful girl, because I’m not… hers anymore.

I felt like someone had stolen the air from me again, but then, when those two little blonde girls called, “Momma Jan, let’s go, it’s raining.” I felt… I wished whoever stole that air would keep it and never give it back.

When we got home, Dad was waiting for us on the porch. I’d kept it together until then, wanting to never speak about it again, ever. But I could tell he knew, but how?

When he pulled me into a hug, he answered that question. “She called, wanted to make sure you were okay.”

I lost it and began to sob. “Like she gives a freaking shit!”