Page 54 of The Way the Heart Breaks: Jade’s Story

Ryan's song will never be something sweet. It will always be something loud, something angry. Something he pretends doesn't mean anything while memorizing every lyric. The kind of song he turns up when he's working on an engine or cutting wood. The kind of song that rattles windows, the kind of song that lets him feel things without talking about them. This week, I chose “Would” by Alice in Chains for Ry.

I know, I know, get over it, and I am. It was stupid to want to hold onto something that wasn’t mine; he was always theirs. I just hope we can actually be friends one day, because I do love Ryan Brooks. I just have to remind myself it’s… like a brother.

Jason's bracelet shifts against my wrist, and I look down as Jasper's cross catches the sunlight, nearly blinding me, and I laugh to myself because, of course, they would want to confirm that I’m an idiot.

We pass a road, and my eyes stall on a sign I’ve seen a million times, Tamarack Lane. Lane. Not the road. T. Lane, which was ridiculous, because it wasn't even the same thing. It’s a road sign we've passed hundreds of times before. I wonder if this is a sign from Jason and Jasper.

I turned my attention back to the road before Dad noticed me staring out the window with a goofy grin on my face.

Dad kills the engine and sits there for a second, looking at our church through the windshield. The parking lot is fuller than usual, because it’s a holiday weekend.

After a moment, he reaches for the door handle. “Ready?”

“Ready.”

The walk from the truck to the church doors feels longer than usual. People are gathering on the front steps, talking before service starts. A few glance our way. Then a few more. I feel Dad tense beside me. Not enough for anyone else to notice. Just enough for me. The same way I used to tense every morning walking into school after the accident.

It hurts to think he feels that way, like everyone is staring, like everyone is talking about him, his dead kids, his divorce…

I move a little closer to him without thinking about it, not because he needs me to, just because I remember. I remember feeling better when Tessa or Beckah were close and wishing I could've skipped the hallways and somehow appeared directly in my seat when they weren’t.

The church doors swing open.

Mrs. Brooks smiles when she sees us, “Morning, Jack, Jade.”

“Morning.” We both say back.

Nothing more, no surprise, no fuss. Just ‘morning’.

Inside, a few more people greet him. Old Mr. Hensley shakes his hand. Mrs. Carter asks how the tomatoes are doing in our garden.

By the time we reach our pew, nobody from our family has reacted at all.

This is… normal.

“What did you do this weekend? I didn’t see you once,” I ask, sliding in beside Tessa in our regular Ross family church pew.

It wasn’t the entire weekend; it was just one day that felt like a week.

“Cleaning.” She rolls her eyes.

“Had to get rid of the old clothes so we can do some school shopping tomorrow,” Aunt Maggie says. “Jade, you’re more than welcome to come, too.”

Kendall leans forward. “You should come. Mom is taking us to the mall and said we can go to County Seat and get some Guess Jeans,” she whispers. “Lerner and Gap, too.”

“Then I’m in.”

Dad slides in, slides in beside me. “You’re in for what?”

“School clothes shopping with Aunt Maggie?” She grins.

“And how much is this gonna cost me?” He sighs.

“A lot, Uncle Jack.” Kendall grins. “A whole lot. Especially if Jade wants Z Cavaricci jeans.”

“Z Cava-what?” he asks.

“I don’t need anything, really, I’m fine,” I whisper to him.