Page 21 of The Secret Diary of Anne de Bourgh

“Please, Richard. She has had enough of my years. I mean to decide for myself what comes next.”

“I hope you do, Annie.” He kept hold of my hand, but his smile faded.

I squeezed his fingers and asked what troubled him. He took a moment to answer.

“Too many of the friends I went to war with are not coming home. I have mourned them while trying to recover myself. I shall see that field in my dreams for a long time.”

“I still dream of Lady Catherine and Dr Thornely,” I said. A shiver passed through me despite the sunshine.

“Thornely is on a prison ship bound for New South Wales. Father has bought Lady Catherine a house on a remote Scottish island, with staff to care for her. She will not leave it. If she outlives him, I shall see that the arrangements continue. She cannot reach you there, Annie.”

I found I could breathe a little more easily.

“Thank you,” I whispered, and he let go my hand and reached to put his arm around my shoulders instead, pulling my head to rest against his shoulder.

“I failed to protect you from her, Annie,” he said, his voice gruff and low. “I swear, I will never fail you again.”

It did not take long then before my tears began to flow.

27 May

After yesterday’s talk in the garden, I could not bear Caroline Bingley’s company, and spent the afternoon in my room. Strange, how after all those years confined there by my own weakness, I now chafe at a single afternoon indoors. At least I have better books than those Lady Catherine considered suitable for improving a young woman’s mind!

Kitty smuggled in a Minerva Press novel, and offered to keep me company. I sent her away, though her downcast face made me sorry for it. I shall ask her to accompany Georgiana and me on a sketching expedition today. Georgie needs little instruction, of course, but I have yet to draw a rose which does not look like a severely malformed cabbage.

Perhaps we might visit the little garden outside Richard’s rooms. There are flowers to draw and a shady bench; if he happened to see us from his window, I would endure Kitty and Georgiana’s teasing gladly.

This afternoon began better than I had dared hope. Miss Bingley called sketching a girlish pursuit and went shopping with Mrs Hurst. Kitty, Georgie and I hurried into the garden. Neither protested when I led the way, though once Richard appeared at his window they exchanged a look which made their opinion of my choice of garden quite plain.

I asked Richard if he felt well enough to join us. He came out with Sanderson, who brought a chair for him, since the three of us had taken the bench.

“And do you all plan to sketch the same scene today, girls?” Richard asked once pleasantries had been exchanged and everyone was comfortably settled.

“Drawing the same thing as Kitty and Georgie would not lead to flattering comparisons for my art,” I admitted. “My skills lag far behind theirs.”

After a moment, Richard chuckled. “It must be true, since neither of them has contradicted you.”

“Anne is learning very quickly,” Kitty said loyally, “and practice will make perfect, in time.”

“You are very kind, but if I had a hundred years to practise I should never have your natural talent. Only look, cousin, how much Kitty has captured with a few pencil strokes!”

Richard praised her drawing, and Kitty blushed. Why had I chosen the one pastime at which I could so readily be compared with her?

I was glad he admired her work. I told myself so, even as he smiled at her again.

Georgiana sat beside me, absorbed in sketching a butterfly on a nearby flower. Richard’s chair stood at the other end of the bench, close to Kitty. She carried on a conversation while her pencil moved across the paper; then she laughed at something he said too softly for me to hear.

For one shameful instant, I wished Kitty away.

A bee buzzed close to my ear, and my charcoal slid across the paper as I jumped, leaving an ugly black mark. Georgiana tutted and offered her eraser, but I shook my head and stood.

“I beg your pardon. I find I am in no mood for sketching after all. I believe I shall go inside.”

“Anne?” Richard called after me, but I did not look back as I stumbled into the house, tears clouding my vision. He had been happy enough beside Kitty. I had only spoiled their afternoon.

I thought of the scars along my arms, and of the gowns I cannot wear for fear someone will see them. Kitty can laugh and speak with him so easily. I scarcely know how to make myself agreeable to the one man whose affection I want.

28 May