Page 84 of The Secret Diary of Anne de Bourgh

I can think of very little else this evening.

Miss Bingley had seemed perfectly civil at the ball. I had scarcely considered her at all, while she had apparently been considering me a great deal.

I remembered Jane’s letter, and the gentleman for whom Caroline had taken to wearing such very flat shoes. We had laughed over it together. I feel uncomfortable remembering that now.

I do not wish to give her pain. But I cannot think that I should refuse Mr Byerly’s company merely because she desires it herself. I like him, and have liked him since long before he became acquainted with her.

I feel as though I am the dog in the manger from Aesop’s Fables, snapping and snarling at the cattle come to eat the hay, though I do not want hay myself. Perhaps I have been unfair in always measuring my pleasure in Mr Byerly’s company against what I feel for Richard. Mr Byerly wishes to be with me. He takes the trouble to show it, and he even spoke to Darcy expressing his interest in me.

Richard has urged me to think well of him.

If Richard will never care for me as I wish, perhaps I ought to make a greater effort to consider somebody who might.

I wish that writing this made it any easier to do.

18 October

Mr Byerly took us to look at pictures today, and I enjoyed myself very much.

We went to Mr Orme’s in Bond Street, where there were prints enough to occupy us for considerably longer than Elizabeth had intended. Kitty and Georgiana came too. Kitty was immediately attracted by some figures whose gowns she wished to examine, while Georgiana and I spent some time looking at landscapes.

I admired a view of a river beneath steep wooded banks. There was a little house near the water, with smoke rising from its chimney, and I said that I should like to walk there.

“You would have some difficulty reaching it,” Mr Byerly observed. “That path appears to end in the river.”

“It must go behind the trees.”

“Then the artist has been very obliging in concealing the inconvenient part.”

I looked more closely and was forced to admit that there was very little room for my proposed path. Georgiana, however, discovered a boat drawn up upon the bank.

“There,” she said. “Anne may visit by water.”

I thanked her for rescuing my excursion, and Mr Byerly conceded that I might reach the house, provided I did not object to rowing.

He showed me another landscape which he preferred. At first I thought it rather dark, but he pointed out the light falling through the trees and upon the shoulder of a man standing beneath them. Once I had noticed it, I liked the picture much better. I was pleased that he had taken the trouble to explain. It is uncomfortable to be told that something is very fine when one cannot discover why, and I have sometimes been afraid to ask.

We did not agree about everything. There was a lady weeping beside an urn whom he thought very graceful, but Georgiana remarked that she appeared to have sat upon her own shawl and would have considerable difficulty getting up. I had to turn away and feign a cough to stop my laughter. I shall never be able to look at such a picture again without remembering it.

Elizabeth found a chair while Kitty minutely examined a gown in one of the pictures, arguing apparently with herself over the sleeves. When I asked Lizzy whether she wished to leave, she said that she would be quite ready by the time Kitty had discovered how the sleeve was attached.

Mr Byerly brought another portfolio to the table beside Lizzy, so that she might look without rising. I liked him for noticing.

I had meant to make a particular effort to be agreeable today. After a little while, I forgot that I was making one.

20 October

Richard is here.

He arrived late yesterday evening, while we were out, and Sanderson had apparently insisted upon his going straight to bed. He did not come down to breakfast this morning. I tried not to keep looking towards the door, though I fear Elizabeth noticed.

I was tired myself. Jane took us to a party last night, Elizabeth having decided that she would be happier at home. She had been out during the day and looked very comfortable beside the drawing-room fire when we left her.

I rather wished that I might stay too.

Jane has been very kind about accompanying us. She took us to a musical evening earlier in the week, and seems quite willing to undertake all three of us again whenever Elizabeth wishes to rest. Kitty is delighted with the arrangement. Georgiana enjoys the music, though I think she finds the larger parties rather daunting.

Mr Byerly appears to enjoy everything. Last night he knew a great many people, and wished to introduce us to some of them. He danced, talked, and moved about the room with an ease I rather envied.