Page 96 of The Secret Diary of Anne de Bourgh

“Shall I ask whether Elizabeth is awake?” she said.

James said that there was no need to disturb her. He had other calls to make, and rose to take his leave.

I remained very still until I heard the front door close behind him.

I had thought James kind when I was younger. Perhaps he was kind when I did as he wished.

I do not think I shall ever again find it so strange that Richard does not enjoy his company.

Georgiana pressed a handkerchief into my hand. I had not realised until then that the tears had begun to fall.

“You are not to write to that woman,” Georgiana said, in as low and fierce a voice as I have ever heard from her. “Not ever, no matter who tries to make you, do you hear me? She deserves not one scrap of comfort, and least of all from you.”

The handkerchief was proving insufficient to blot away the tears streaking down my cheeks. Fortunately, Georgiana thought nothing of whipping off her shawl and using that to stem the flow instead. She put her arms around me and hugged me close, and I cried into her shoulder until I was quite exhausted.

18 November

Georgiana has told Elizabeth what happened yesterday.

I ought to have expected it. She helped me upstairs after I had finished crying, and stayed until I assured her that I wished to lie down. Apparently, when Darcy and Richard returned, she went directly to Elizabeth and told all three of them what James had said.

I learnt this when Lizzy came to my room this morning.

I was dressed, but had not yet persuaded myself to go downstairs. My eyes still looked rather swollen, and I had been hoping that nobody would enquire too closely into the reason.

“Georgiana was very angry,” Elizabeth told me. “I do not think I have ever heard her give so decided an account of anybody’s conduct.”

I looked down at my hands. “Did she tell them that I cried?”

“Yes, Anne.”

I wished very much that she had not. It had been humiliating enough to lose command of myself before Georgiana, without Darcy and Richard knowing about it too.

Elizabeth sat beside me, and took my hand.

“It was what James said that concerned us,” she said. “Nobody was surprised that you were distressed.”

“He made it sound as though I was being very unkind.”

“I know. Georgiana repeated his argument quite faithfully. None of us found it in any way persuasive.”

I was glad to hear that, though I still felt uncomfortable. I had been so certain yesterday that I would not write. Afterwards, lying awake, I had begun to wonder whether refusing a few lines could really have been worth so much unpleasantness.

I told Elizabeth this.

“James could have accepted your first answer,” she said. “You did not oblige him to continue asking.”

That was true. I had almost forgotten how many times I had answered before he became angry.

She stayed with me for a little while, and we went downstairs together. Georgiana looked up anxiously when I entered the room, and I went straight over to sit beside her.

“Thank you for staying with me yesterday,” I said.

She took my hand and pressed it, looking so relieved that I felt ashamed of having wished she had kept everything to herself. I was very glad she had been there with me, and I had not had to face James’ demands all alone. I might have given in and agreed, or perhaps worse, broken down in tears in front of him. I have no doubt he would have dismissed me as hysterical and foolish, and perhaps have said as much in letters to my uncle.

Richard found me in the library later. I had taken a book there, though I was not making much progress with it.

He asked whether I would object to his company.