Page 1 of Soothing Little Sylmen

Chapter One

Sylmen

I stared at the text message on my phone, my nerves running wild at the thought of what was to come.

Ralphie had messaged me three times this morning already, wanting an answer. I knew it was coming. How could it not? He was adamant that this was the right choice for me, that this step would be exactly what I needed to help me along. But I was very afraid, more afraid than I’d been in a long time. And that said a lot about the situation I found myself in.

It would probably help if I gave some context, of course. Ralphie, my lovely friend, I’d met when getting a stuffy from Stuffy Hospital. He was a character and a half. His bright personality had drawn me in right away and he hadn’t cared at all that I didn’t speak. He had more than enough words for me. After getting me settled with the perfect stuffed animal, he’d begun to ask me questions about myself. I’d done my best to answer him with the dry erase board he’d pulled out of a drawer. And together we’d discovered that we were more alike than I’d thought.

I’d left there with his phone number and a new friend.

Returning to Anders Ranch had been harder after being immersed in my Little side. I didn’t often leave, which was of my own design. But that also meant I didn’t get to regress as often as I’d like.

I liked being somewhere I knew I was safe, somewhere that nothing bad would happen. I also liked being useful. Out in the real world, people stared at me when I didn’t answer them. Some thought that meant I was deaf, so they would begin to yell.

When I would turn my phone to them to show them the message that said I was nonverbal, it changed. It was like they thought it was a choice to not speak. Like maybe I just simply didn’t like them.

The truth was much worse.

I shook my head to push away those thoughts. No need to get into my past when there were more pressing matters.

After my phone had bitten the bullet a few months ago, I’d gotten a new one. It was absolutely vital to me to have something I could communicate with. And after playing a game on Robin’s phone, I’d known I needed to have it for myself.

Robin, my boss’s partner, had been kind enough to let me use his here and there. Still, I needed my own method, my own time with it. The game had become a soothing point for me each night. I played it until my eyes couldn’t remain open. Then I would plug my phone in and sleep like the dead until morning.

The urge to open up the game now, when I didn’t want to respond to Ralphie, was high. Or maybe I should say I wanted to respond, yet I wasn’t sure what to say.

I read over the texts again.

Ralphie:

Sylmen, I promise this isn’t as scary as you’re thinking it is.

Sylmen, come on. I promise you’ll love it. This place is amazing and life-changing.

Sylmen, the invitation is yours. You simply need to fill out the paperwork and you’re in. It’s almost a guarantee at this point. Trust me, I know people.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I’d snuck into one of the empty horse stalls to read the messages. I needed to get back out there and get to work before Blaze came looking for me. My boss was kind, though he did expect me to actually work during the day. I was lucky enough that he’d allowed me to come live here all those years ago. Him keeping me on and saying I was useful to him made me feel even better. Not because I didn’t believe I could be useful to people. It was simply that he accepted me for who I was. There was never a question about getting me to talk or forcing me to do things I wasn’t comfortable with.

The fact that Blaze was a Daddy and understood the kink lifestyle was a bonus. His partner Robin was his boy. Together they were wonderful to watch. I’d spent far too much time observing them, learning about their dynamic as I craved one of my own.

My phone buzzed in my hand again, making my eyes pop open. This time Ralphie sent a GIF of a famous rapper holding her hand out, her eyes wide, giving a look that said, “Come on now, get with it.”

I huffed a breath, then finally typed a response.

Me:

You are ridiculous, Ralphie. I will go fill out the forms now, but if this turns out to be a disaster, I am totally going to never trust your opinion again.

The message barely showed read before I received a string of emojis all depicting different reactions. I knew it was his way of telling me how excited he was, even if they probably didn’t actually make sense together. I sent back an eye-rolling GIF response, then tucked my phone away. There were chores to be done, things that needed seeing to. The forms would have to wait. I needed to distract myself or I would panic. There would be plenty of time for that later.

Later that evening, once dinner was over and everyone had gone off to bed, I sat in my room with my laptop open on the bed in front of me. The screen taunted me, the forms with each question a nightmare. I didn’t really know what to say. The answers needed to be honest. It was the only way that I would be able to go and experience it to its full potential. At the same time, I was terrified to say out loud how I truly felt deep down.

My desire to regress had started shortly after I came to the ranch. I’m not sure what triggered it, only that it came as fast as my mind could create. One minute I’d been perfectly fine, not talking to people and doing my job. The next, I’d had the urge to swaddle myself in a blanket, put my thumb in my mouth, and never ever come out of bed.

I’d spent weeks looking up depression and anxiety. I’d questioned my doctor on whether or not there was something wrong with me, going into town to get blood work done. My Aunt Connie had even stepped in, making soups thinking I was sick and taking care of me as if I were her own child. It had made me feel safe and cared for, and that was what brought the realization. This was what I wanted—someone to dote on me, to love me.

But I wanted a romantic aspect to it too. And I wasn’t that way with Aunt Connie. Though she was related to me by marriage, I still wasn’t attracted to her in any way. She was family, someone who loved me for me, who’d welcomed me with open arms when my grandmother passed away, and I’d needed a place to go. She’d given me a home, put me in line for a job. Between her, Blaze, and the other ranch hands at Anders Ranch, I finally had a big family—people who cared about me, who wanted to see me at my best.