Page 2 of Soothing Little Sylmen

Realizing that what I wanted romantically was a Daddy had led me down a rabbit hole. I’d gone through websites and bookmarked videos, listened to podcasts, and studied therapists explaining what age regression was and how age play was a completely normal aspect for some people.

While I suspected some of my desires were rooted in the trauma I’d experienced from my biological parents before moving in with my grandmother, I also knew that it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing that I wanted to be Little. In fact, it was good for me. It brought me peace. Even if it was something I only did in the privacy of my room while I was alone, I found comfort.

Rawhide Ranch, the place Ralphie suggested I go, would likely bring me even more. The Ranch was completely different than Anders where I lived. It was a massive complex in Montana located upon acres and acres of land. It held everything anyone could dream of, from a University to a place where there were classes about being Little and age regression. Ralphie had truly sold the place when he mentioned it had dorms, guest cabins, horses, and all types of other animals. And since it was one of those places where you had to know somebody to get invited to, I was thankful he’d even brought it up.

At the same time, I was terrified—because what do you mean there’s a place that is everything I’ve dreamed of and more? I was intimidated. I was also overjoyed.

And now, as I began to type my answers to each question on the computer—ranging from my name, date of birth, and history, to what type of Little I thought I was and what I was looking for in a partner—I understood that this was monumental, life-changing. Once I submitted this, I would be taking the next step toward what I hoped to be happily ever after. I had to trust that no matter what, I would be okay, that I would come back knowing more about myself or, if I was lucky, maybe even return with a partner.

The scary part was the beginning. If I could do that, I could do anything. It was something I told myself over and over through the years, because life as someone nonverbal was hard. And I didn’t think it would get any easier.

Rawhide Ranch was inclusive. They welcomed all. I wanted to be part of something more. I wanted someone to experience joy and connection with. The men on the Anders Ranch were great—I loved them like family—but there was no way I was going to ask one of them to put me in a diaper and get me a bottle, just to see how it felt, to see if it made me feel more me.

I suspected it would, though I had been too scared to try. Plus, there was something about allowing another person to do that for me that really appealed.

I needed to let go, to not think so much. My day was spent communicating with people through written word or text message, and then my thoughts running free because I was left to my own devices. I loved having that independence—knowing that I could take care of myself had been a big deal when I moved in with my grandmother. She worked hard to help me learn how to navigate life and pick up all the things that I had not been taught before. But after years and years of fending for myself, I didn’t want to anymore.

It was hard. So damn hard.

What would it be like for someone to take over all my worries, to step in and truly be there for me in every aspect of my life? It was an intoxicating thought. It spurred me on to finish the forms, my fingers typing on the keys faster as I unloaded all my thoughts and emotions.

By the time I had finished, I was in tears. Every feeling of doubt and fear had come forward. I was terrified, but also so excited. I wouldn’t know for a while if they would allow me onto the Ranch. Ralphie had made it clear that it was a process. Master Derek, the man who ran the place, had a very strict program. He vetted everyone up and down to make sure that whoever came was safe.

That single word had been the final nail in the coffin for me. Safety was what I needed. It was mandatory in all aspects of my life.

Knowing that this man, this Dom, was going above and beyond to give us Littles a place where we could be safe through his diligence created a peace in me like no other.

I closed my laptop and pushed it away, then dropped back on the bed. My arms spread across the mattress. As I closed my eyes and listened to the sounds of my breath, I couldn’t believe it. I had submitted my application to Rawhide Ranch. I was hopefully going to be invited.

Then I would have to tell Blaze that I was leaving. It wouldn’t be for long. While the Ranch did have the option for people to stay—sometimes even having jobs available, with others choosing to move there—I only wanted to visit. I wanted a chance to get the immersive experience of being Little. It wasn’t home, though. Anders was home. This place, this land, these people—they were my heart. I just needed to see if maybe there was another part of my heart I wasn’t so sure of yet.

Once I knew, I could go from there. Maybe find a Daddy close by who I could meet up with, or have an online Daddy who could coach me through my days. I’d seen all types of options during my research. I didn’t know what would work best for me. I only knew that it needed to be something that I worked toward. It needed to be more than me researching and making notes.

I had to give it a shot.

I had to be brave.

Hopefully my time there would give me what I was looking for. Maybe I could even meet a Daddy who wanted me, one I could call mine.

Maybe.

Chapter Two

Gael

“You would think I’m asking you to commit a crime.”

Amelia’s voice echoed around me as I folded my laundry. It had unfortunately grown to a ridiculous size. To avoid getting it done, I had purchased more clothes, which in turn made things worse.

Considering how often I spent buried in the studio with artists working on their next smash hits, it was no wonder that I didn’t regularly do my laundry. My friend Corrin, who also happened to be the lead singer of one of the bands I worked with, poked fun at me about my bad habit. He’d suggested I hire a cleaner to come in and take care of things. Had even looked someone up in my area and given me their number.

The idea of someone in my home doing things for me when I wasn’t there bothered me. I didn’t have anything to hide, necessarily. I just preferred to be in control where I could.

Part of the reason I was such a good music producer and songwriter was the fact that I touched every single aspect of the process. I was there from idea creation to laying down tracks and mixing the final version. There was nothing that was done that I didn’t have a hand in. Because of it I had built a very lucrative career.

I was also very lonely.

Watching my friends fall in love around me was hard. Corrin had found his forever person in Austen. Then Austen’s brother Tennyson, who also happened to work for Corrin, had found love too. Bit by bit I noticed people around me being in long-term relationships and getting engaged. Some even started families.