Page 57 of A Prudent Engagement

That evening there was a great deal of joy at Longbourn, but Jane still studied Elizabeth with disapproving eyes, and they always made her conscious and uncomfortable.

The two sisters said little to each other, except in passing, for the remainder of the week.

It was a happy week of courtship for Elizabeth, as she spent hours of each day in conversation with Mr. Darcy, learning more of his character, his mind, and hearing more from his store of information.

She found herself eager to see him every morning, and she waited by the window so that she could get the quickest sight of him when he arrived.

They chiefly spent their time out of doors, as Jane mostly remained at home and Elizabeth wished to have as little of her time with Mr. Darcy fall under the judging eyes of her sister.

It was only with Jane that Elizabeth really remembered that she could not tell Mr. Darcy that she loved him—she often wished that she could say it.

But there always was that sense of falseness, of forced affection when she imagined doing so.

The Gardiners remained at Longbourn for the whole of the week, and before they left on Saturday morning, Mrs. Gardiner took Elizabeth out for a walk in the little wilderness, where she said, “I have observed that you and Jane have continued to not speak—it astonishes me. The pair of you were always like two little ducklings.”

“It makes me miserable—I miss Jane. But after what she said to me about my planned marriage to Mr. Darcy, it is hard to speak to her—I have a fear that she is correct.”

Mrs. Gardiner frowned deeply. “I thought that you and Mr. Darcy got along very well. Do you still fear that you would not be happy with him?”

“Oh no. Not that!” Elizabeth exclaimed with a laugh. She waved her hand, dismissing the notion. “I have no fear on that account. I find it difficult to imagine how a woman could be unhappy with such a man as her husband.”

“You were concerned once,” Mrs. Gardiner enquired with a smile, “about his commanding nature and his arrogance. Do those matters not still concern you?”

“I do not expect to never be annoyed.” Elizabeth shrugged. “I am sure that he will one day make a decree upon some matter and not change his mind, even after he has listened to me. I shall be very upset. But he is sensible. I can trust that when he makes that decree, it will be upon solemn grounds. And the way he presents himself—it is different from how he truly is. No, that is not true, but he is not so stern and unchanging. I trust that he will listen to me. Even in the case of his arrogance—I wish he did not think himself so far above us, especially you and Mr. Gardiner, but—”

“I assure you,” Mrs. Gardiner interrupted, smiling, “that he has been extremely civil to us both.”

“I would wish for him to love you as I do—perhaps that will come in time,” Elizabeth replied. “Civility is a beginning.”

“Do not fret upon that point. But I am glad to see you so happy in Mr. Darcy’s company. You do not regret having chosen to marry him.”

“Oh no. Not at all,” Elizabeth instantly replied.

“In what manner then do you fear Jane to be correct? She is quite certain that you will be miserable.”

“I—he…I wish I could tell him that I loved him and admired him as much as he admires me. Even though my opinion of him has greatly improved, there is still inequality of feelings, and it is wrong that he does not know that.”

“Is that what Jane said?”

“Jane said many times that it was wrong to accept him without loving him.”

Mrs. Gardiner smiled. “I would not concern myself on that point. Your feelings towards him are deepening and becoming quickly very much what a wife ought to have towards her husband. At least that is what it appears when I see you from the outside. It is Jane who concerns me. She is unhappy.”

“I know,” Elizabeth said. “But do you really think that I appear as I ought to?”

Mrs. Gardiner laughed. “Ask yourself if you feel as you ought. Could you imagine ending the engagement with Mr. Darcy—not I mean in terms of material circumstances, but would your heart feel relief or an ache?”

Elizabeth tried to imagine saying such a thing to Mr. Darcy. Telling him that they could not marry.

The thought brought an intense pain. She would never end her engagement to him. She liked him too much for that.

“See.” Mrs. Gardiner smiled. Then her expression became serious. “Speak to your sister. I am concerned for her—I never expected to see her in such a state. She was always calm and content, but her stillness hid much. Your engagement shocked her. She does not understand—and this followed her disappointment with Mr. Bingley and your father’s death. I fear for her. I half expect her to do something grand and dramatic, like advertising for a post as a governess, against all advice. Talk to her. She must miss you as you miss her.”

“I miss her. But—”

“It can be hard to reconcile. And the two of you never quarrelled before.”

The longing to have the approval of her sister, and their usual close communication, filled Elizabeth like an unexpected wave. She nearly burst into tears.