Page 79 of A Prudent Engagement

Mr. Bingley also appeared a little confused.

Looking about to satisfy herself that the rest of her family were all occupied with watching Mr. Bingley, Elizabeth took a few steps towards Mr. Darcy and said quietly, “I am…it makes me happy to see you.”

“You know that you do not need to say any such thing.” He looked at her more closely. “You do not look well.”

She smiled. “Neither do you.”

“I have not slept well.”

“Nor I.”

Elizabeth bowed her head, but she could not resist smiling, though she did not know why.

His manner was very much like him. She wished to say something to tell him that…that even though it was impossible, she longed for him.

Mr. Darcy gestured for her to join him away from the main group towards the window.

“I had not expected to see you again,” Elizabeth said when they stood apart.

Mr. Darcy gave a tiny nod.

The morning sun shone through the window full on his face. Elizabeth studied his features: the shape of his nose, the curl of his lips, the angles of his cheeks. She tried to memorise him.

It was likely still, she told herself, though she no longer believed it, that she would never see him again.

He was awkward and shy again.

He had a great deal of difficulty speaking.

She wished that she could make herself say something encouraging.

But when Elizabeth tried to speak, memories of their painful conversation intruded. And she had a sense that she could not tell Darcy what was truly in her heart—that she loved him. She feared saying anything that would make him think she was seeking to renew his attentions. She was scared that he would then feel honour-bound to renew their engagement and that he would believe her to have been once more overcome by her fear of poverty.

“Elizabeth, you insisted that you did not dislike me when you accepted me.”

Her eyes turned to him. “I—no. I did not.”

“At the time I thought…I did not believe that you were mendacious, but rather…that you were confused. That you were attempting to force yourself to like me. But the more I have thought on the matter, the more natural it seems to me that realising you had been mistaken about my sentiments towards you would change your views of me in a broader way.”

“Yes, very much!” Elizabeth exclaimed.

It was painful.

What he said made her feel hope.

“It was—knowing that you had once disliked me, it changes how I understand you.”

“Oh.” That was what he meant to say.

That he no longer loved her.

Bravery.

Elizabeth would not cry.

She bit the inside of her cheek.

Darcy shook his head slightly, as though clearing something from it.