Page 130 of The Addict

Dammit. I fucked him again, didn’t I?

I was dumbfounded by the whole scenario. Not only was I oblivious of any sexual acts I had with him, but for the life of me I couldn’t remember how the hell I ended up on his doorstep.

Silas chuckled. “Is that all you think about?”

I could feel my cheeks begin to slowly heat. “It’s a legitimate question...”

Silas turned slightly to smirk at me. “Well, to answer your question: No, we did not have sex. Not to say you didn’t beg me to fuck you like five times, but that is another story.”

I scoffed and rubbed my forehead. “Don’t flatter yourself. I doubt I asked five times–”

“Either way, it wasn’t much of a turn on to watch you throw up all over us and my satin rug.”

His words triggered a flashback to a hazy memory. I did remember vomiting, and the more that I thought about it, I wasn’t sure if I had made it to the bathroom.

I gazed back over my own bare chest and the lack of clothing in general. “Is that why my shirt is off?”

“Correct. After a change of clothes and a toothbrush, you were as good as new,” Silas retorted with a snort.

I laughed awkwardly. Shit, that’s embarrassing. I guess I would replace his rug if I had too. “Sorry,” I added earnestly.

Silas turned his back to me again. “Mhm, I know. You’ve said that quite often tonight.”

He grew quiet and we sat there in the mist of nothing. All I could make out was his hushed breath and the unvarying pulse of my own heart beneath my skin. No longer able to stand that dreaded silence anymore, I pushed back the sheets, wordlessly crawling over to where Silas sat. I laid my head on his shoulder, gazing up at him, trying to read his expressions. I didn’t want it to be weird between us.

“Can you forgive me?” I whispered into his ear.

Silas shivered, making me smirk.

“What are you asking forgiveness for? The rug?” Silas questioned sarcastically, turning his head towards me.

“Nah, forget your ugly ass rug.”

He glowered at me, and I chuckled, raising my hands up in defeat. “No, honestly. Forgiveness because…I’ve asked so much of you.”

“Is that so?”

I closed my eyes, fidgeting. It was difficult for me to be serious about certain topics and express gratitude towards people trying to help me. I knew Silas wanted to fix my problems. He was still upset with me for asking him to keep the details of my assault a secret. I wanted him to act as if it had never happened, but he didn’t want to do that. He was hell bent on retribution, while I just wanted to move forward and forget. We clashed like oil and water, and this frightened me more than he could ever know. I was so nervous that I couldn’t even hold a meaningful discussion with him without coming across as joking.

If I tried hard enough, I felt as though my issues and pain were gone along with my last breath. Each inhale was a cleansing, each exhale a reminder that I would have to do it all again just to survive. I just wanted to be fucking normal. To feel normal.

“Sometimes, I feel like I just want to evaporate,” I confessed.

Silas inched closer to me, knocking his head against mine lightly. We stayed there.

“You’re not going anywhere, Noah.”

How could he be so sure?

“Hm. Are you?”

“No.”

The quiet crept back like a snake, eating away at me. This time, though, it was more of a serene stillness, because I wasn’t by myself. I liked feeling Silas’s gentle breath on my cheeks.

“I am going to ask more of you,” I finally spoke, my voice entering the quiet void.

“Ask,” he breathed.