Page 48 of The Addict

But suddenly, when I closed my eyes, I saw her face.

“I don’t want you to go through with it!”

Delane.

If I was so lost in this moment with Silas, why the fuck was I seeing her?

I could still see the horror on her face when I found her. Now here I was, fucking her attacker. Coming undone under his chest. Begging him to kiss and fuck me. The same person who caused her pain.

I squinted my eyes tightly shut, pushing her flushed cheeks and emerald eyes out of my head, letting myself roll back into the present position. But somewhere in the back of my head something was screaming: Wrong. Stop.

The screaming sounded like her. Like the night we met. That pretty face. She was messing around in my head again. I must have made some sort of sound because I felt Silas press his face into my shoulder.

“Say something, Hansen?” he crooned, his breath labored. His pace quickened.

I grunted a response, suddenly wishing the whole process was over. Suddenly feeling the burning instead of pleasure.

What the fuck was wrong with me?

David’s voice entered my mind.

“You’re just a fucked up child, Noah. If you were never born, I doubt the world would care. I know I wouldn’t.”

“...like this?” The memories once again clouded my vision, and the two voices were spinning together, just like the night in the alley. Silas was dragging that memory from the depths of my soul. I couldn’t stop it. I was spiraling.

“What are you good for then?”

“Silas,” I whimpered, unable to disconnect anymore. The memories were overpowering and I couldn’t separate the two.

“Say my name again,” Silas groaned, digging his fingers into my hips, slamming in and out of me. He was oblivious.

“Well, come here...”

“Show daddy what you can do...”

Abruptly, the thrusts hesitated, stopping the range of my thoughts, making me feel dizzy. The only thing I could really make sense of was the sharp heaving of Silas’s chest pressed against mine. Everything else was a blur.

“You–” Silas was struggling for breath, a small droplet of sweat falling from his brow. “You’re crying.”

It was suddenly becoming more clear: the wet stains on my cheeks, the way my lips quivered slightly when I sucked in air. I was indeed crying.

I tentatively touched the moisture on my cheek and marveled at the fact that I had not seen those tears in so long. Only memories of the tears ever came to me. I had never relieved them before, so brutally, to the point where I felt as though I was truly back there, in the past.

“Shit...” I muttered, quickly dragging the back of my hand across my eyes. The tears had an agenda of their own, and they weren’t stopping.

Silas’s face displayed pure horror, an emotion that even surprised me to see. He stumbled on his words. “Was I… too rough? Did I–”

“No, no it’s not–” I tried to rid my thoughts of the devastation that was my childhood. Hell would freeze over, before I tried to get Silas to sympathize with my past pain.

I didn’t need pity anyways. It didn’t do shit.

I couldn’t get the tears to get with the program, because I was unable to prevent them from streaming down my face. “For fuck’s s-sake…” I wiped at them hastily. Maybe it had been too long. Emotions were like that. Choosing to arrive at the worst fucking times.

“I’ll stop,” I heard Silas say, his body laying fully into me so his hands could reach to my face. “We can wait, some other time maybe, or–”

I focused my gaze on him, stunned. His thumbs gently pulled my tears down my cheeks, trailing their paths, and wiping them clean. The words coming out of his mouth and his actions just weren’t adding up.

“Hey.”