Page 110 of Relapse

I couldn’t bring myself to answer her question.

“Did you really think I wouldn’t notice?” she asked softly, a lighthearted smile played at the corner of her lips. “The way you’d angle your phone away, or smile at the screen like you were reading something hilarious every time he’d message you. Not only that,” Serenity shrugged. “You two kind of made headlines. Not sure if you had seen that.”

Oh, I didn’t have to, I thought to myself. I lived that moment first hand and I was still being punished for it. Serenity just didn’t understand how badly.

“Serenity…It’s not that I wanted to hide it…”

“I know,” she said quickly. Her eyes lifted to meet mine, and thankfully, there was no pity there. Just that same fierceness she always had. “Our situation isn’t ideal for…openness. Especially not with this family. But,” she paused, hand inching forward to rest on top of mine. She squeezed. “...you know that you can always be honest with me. You’re my brother, and I have your back—no matter what.”

Something broke open in my chest then—a door with rusted hinges that had been deadbolted shut, but Serenity was wrenching it open, slowly but surely. With her, I felt safe enough to voice the feelings I had never said aloud.

“He doesn’t know,” I whispered, finally answering her question. “I never told him.”

And after tonight, I might never be able to. Serenity knew I was going on a serious job this evening. She didn’t understand that it was for me. If I had told her, she would have confronted Jace and the punishment would have been worse.

So I kept the details to myself.

“Well,” she said, and there was a little huff in her voice. “Maybe he needs to know. Maybe someone needs to tell him that my brother is a handsome idiot who communicates poorly.”

I scowled and she paused.

“And maybe that brother needs to know that his sister thinks he’s brave, even when he’s not making the best decisions. That she doesn’t care who he loves, as long as they love him back properly.”

I looked up at her then, really looked, because she had said the words. She said “love.” I had tried desperately to avoid that fucking word, even in the privacy of my own skull, and here Serenity was, blatantly speaking it into existence, as though I was the one being ridiculous for not using it. She was smiling as she said it—that same cunning, all knowing smile from when we were kids.

“Serenity…”

“Don’t Serenity me,” she said, mockingly. “Just... text him. Or don’t. But stop pretending you’re talking about an acquaintance. You’re terrible with subtext. Always have been.”

I sighed, checking the time on my phone and cocking my head to the door. “Get going. Go see your boyfriend—oh,” I stopped myself, enjoying the little look of terror on her face. I smirked. “I mean, friend. You’re friend Alex.”

Serenity laughed under her breath as she leaned over to give me a hug.

I held her a bit longer than I should have. I soaked in the warmth of her embrace. She loved me unconditionally and accepted me completely—and I wanted to remember what that felt like. In her arms, I didn’t feel so alone in this world.

“Will you pick me up?” she asked, releasing me and stepping out of the car.

Stay neutral, I reminded myself. I couldn’t give any wind to what was really happening.

“No, I’ll be late tonight. Might not be able to use my phone either.”

She nodded, touching up her hair in the side mirror.

“And hey,” I reminded. “Be careful, please? And don’t lose the airplane.”

Serenity did a cross motion over her chest. “I promise. I will be good. And I’ll watch over the secret symbolic trinket.”

I rolled my eyes. “Good. Thanks.”

She smiled and trekked up to the porch. I could see the blinds moving from the inside of the house, Alex was standing at the window, staring out. I glared daggers at him from my car—I couldn’t help it.

“I love you!” Serenity called over her shoulder, giving me a little wave.

I started the engine and put the car in reverse. Looking in her eyes was impossible.

“I love you too,” I said, rolling the windows up and pulling out of the driveway.

As I drove away from the house, I took a moment to ask God—if he was listening—to protect my sister and Noah at all costs. Especially if I couldn’t.