Page 178 of Relapse

But he wasn’t doing that. He was giving me the one thing that made me want him more than I ever had—choice. He handed me my autonomy like it was a gift wrapped in gold.

And the absence of obligation was intoxicating. He wasn’t asking for anything, and suddenly, I wanted to give him everything.

That was the cruel irony of it, wasn’t it?

“I’ll be back tomorrow,” Silas murmured, his hand touching my chin gently. “Early. Before anyone wakes up. My family thinks I keep this place for... side arrangements. They won’t question me being here as long as they don’t know you’re here.”

I nodded, resisting the urge to kiss him. To pull him into me.

Truth was, I had mixed feelings about being alone. With drugs, I was never alone. Constantly hopping from bed to bed, or just living freely in my mind with hallucinations to keep me company.

Being alone meant no one to stop me if I found a bottle somewhere, if I broke, if I went looking for the one thing that would make my skin stop crawling.

But being alone also meant no one touching me. No unwanted hands or threats.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I told him, pulling back and letting him go.

His eyes stayed on me, a moment longer, and I nearly broke. I wanted to run back to him. I wanted to tell him that there wasn’t really a proper way to thank him for helping me.

But I didn’t. I stayed rooted to my spot.

He moved toward the front door, and for the briefest moment paused.

My breath caught. If he turned around, that would be it. I’d be keeping him here.

But he kept going. The front door opened, closed.

The lock clicked.

Chapter forty-four

All or Nothing

DELANE

The rain started around seven, fat drops against my windshield that turned the city into watercolor.

I had spent enough time thinking about what I needed to do, and I knew that I had to hash out my feelings with Noah. I wouldn’t bury my feelings anymore.

So I was driving to see him.

Nothing was going to be normal until I could actually talk to him about Silas. I needed to find out what I was to him, and where Silas fit into that equation.

I also acknowledged that Noah was fighting. He was fighting a battle that I didn’t understand, and I didn’t want him to lose it. I wasn’t just going to sit by while the man I cared so deeply about went through such challenges alone.

Noah had told me he wasn’t staying at his house anymore. That alarmed me, because Damian had always been a supportive family member for him to lean on. I hoped he was okay. And I just prayed to God he wasn’t taking drugs again.

By the time I pulled up to the address Noah had texted me—a collection of condos nearing downtown—the sky had opened completely. I parked, hoping that I didn’t need to pay. This place looked expensive, and the last thing I needed was my car towed. Thunder cracked overhead as I dashed from my car to the lobby, failing miserably at outrunning the rain. My clothes were soaked to the bone by the time I reached the front desk.

The doorman barely glanced at me as I dripped onto the marble floor. “Fourth floor,” I said, my teeth chattering from the blast of the AC against my wet clothes. He nodded and waved me toward the elevator.

I found the door unlocked. I pushed it open and stepped inside, my shoes squelching against the hardwood.

“Noah?”

He emerged from the hallway, wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt, and my chest nearly burst open at the sight of him. He looked so good. His expression was clear. He seemed alert. Happy even.

“Delane.” His expression brightened. “You actually came.”