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I mirrored his action with my dress, pulling it down some. Suddenly, I felt the need to be covered.

“They were in a bad accident on their way to the airport.”

“Oh, shit.” Noah’s eyebrows furrowed. “Are they…okay?”

How do I tell him? The heaviness from before had returned, settling back into the pit of my stomach. I’d been so focused on the new sensations, the pleasure, that’d I had managed to keep the darkness at bay. Now, in the midst of this quiet closeness, here the pain was again, creeping back into me. It had only been pacified for so long.

“No,” I said quickly. Like a bandaid, I thought. Rip it off.

Noah seemed puzzled, like his mind didn’t fully understand what to do with that information.

“My father died instantly. My mom survived a little longer than that, at the hospital, but she passed away a few days ago.”

Those words kind of hung in the air for a bit. Noah’s mouth moved, but words weren’t being made. I watched his face, analyzing his reaction. Pity. Shock. Discomfort. I saw them all flicker across his features.

“Delane…” the way my name rolled off of his tongue this time, was so different than before. Sympathy—profound and startled. “I don’t…I don’t even know what to say. I’m…” Noah cleared his throat. “I’m so sorry. I…I had no idea—”

“It’s why I’ve been so closed off,” I admitted, my voice cracking. “I’m just…still working through this new me.”

Noah was speechless.

“I wanted to text you back. I wanted to answer your calls, but—”

Noah seemed flustered, and instantly, I regretted telling him.

“No, no…you—” Noah shook his head. “You literally do not owe me an explanation.”

I clutched to his arm. “No, but I do. I ignored you, and I am sure you were worried. You deserved to know that I was at least okay. I just want you to understand why…why I couldn’t talk with you.”

I paused. Noah looked like he was going to be sick.

“The fact that the two people I loved most in my life…would never get to meet you…was something that I am still struggling with. It made me so bitter. I am still…”

I stopped, feeling the water begin to well up behind my eyes. Any more of this discussion and I wouldn’t be able to control my emotions anymore. Noah didn’t say anything else. He took me into his arms, clutching to me tightly. He pressed a silent kiss to the top of head, a gesture that meant more to me than any words would have. Something that made me feel he would be there, as if he wouldn’t leave me like my parents had.

That I could depend on him, as I had done before. That he’d protect me.

I let myself believe that.

For just a while longer.

Chapter nineteen

Headline

NOAH

This time, when I entered my house, I felt guilty. More so than any “walk of shame” I’d ever taken before. This feeling of shame ran deep this time. Whether I meant to or not, I had wronged multiple people. I ignored my family, walked out on Silas, and indulged myself in Delane. It wasn’t until after Delane had shared with me that her parents were dead that I realized just how much of a fucking asshole I was. She was at her lowest point, and even though I didn’t fully understand the depth of her loss, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had somehow taken advantage of her.

Deep down I was finally coming to terms that if I didn’t start fixing something in myself, I was going to continue hurting people I cared about. The problem was, I didn’t know how to fix myself. Part of me even wondered if it was worth trying at all.

I knew I didn’t deserve Delane. I was a liar. I had touched her, held her, buried myself inside her, all while the ghost of Silas’s touch was still fresh on my skin. I’d taken her body, her trust, and soiled it with a secret I wasn’t even sure I understood myself.

I was a fraud and a coward for living my life this way. The anger that bubbled up into my chest was just a reminder of how much I’d truly fucked up. This whole thing was a broken mess that I needed to piece back together, but where could I start?

Delane deserved someone whole, someone whose life wasn’t a constant series of anxieties and fuck ups.

Someone who wasn’t me.