Page 87 of Day Break

“I don’t know if I’ll ever not jump at loud noises,” I admitted.

“You hinted at abuse in your past. I hope someday you’ll feel comfortable opening up to me about it,” Lane said, and I instantly felt bad for not already doing so.

At this point, I was quite sure I was in love with him. Just like I loved George and Byron.

I’d never imagined feeling the way I did towards the three of them. Never in my wildest dreams had I believed any man or beast would treat me with such kindness. They acted as if I was important to them as well. At times I had to pinch myself to believe that it was real. All of this was real.

“We have about half an hour before we’re back home.” I relaxed back as he started the car to pull into line for the ferry. “Where do you want me to start?”

He glanced at me, then took my hand and lifted it to brush his lips across my knuckles.

“Wherever you want to start. I’m all ears.”

I waited until we were parked on the ferry to begin.

“We can sit in here,” I suggested.

He unhooked his seatbelt and turned towards me. I did the same, taking a moment to get comfortable.

Taking a deep breath, I started at the beginning.

“My first memories are learning just what would be expected of me in my life. Learning how to dress properly and cover myself. Keep sweet and obey, that was the main rule. I learned the five approved ways of braiding or bunning my hair, when it was finally long enough. Who I could speak to and who I couldn’t. To keep away from any apostates, basically. How to tend babies, to cook, clean, and most importantly, to pray each and every hour. For the first eight years of my life, these things were all I was given.”

“What about reading? Writing?” Lane asked.

“School was especially important for the younger children. When we got older, we might learn more if there was time after all the chores that we had. I was a fast reader, which helped. Some of my sisters weren’t. Most girls married before they could even read or write since they were too busy learning how to be a perfect wife. Which I had to learn as well.”

“You were taught about sex when you were a kid?” he asked, frowning.

“God, no, not sex,” I answered quickly. “How to be a wife and submit to my husband and remain sweet. Looking back, I doubt most of the women teaching me even knew what sex was. Real sex, I mean.” I reached over and took his hand. “I was told that it was a sin for me, for any woman, to get pleasure from what her husband did to her. Women did not deserve pleasure. It wasn’t what we were created for. We were created to give men pleasure and to obey them.” I took a deep breath.

“Tell me you don’t still believe that bullshit?” Lane asked in a deep tone.

“No, I don’t.” I smiled. “But I can assure you that what went on between me and my husband never once gave me pleasure.”

Lane was quiet, then said, “Go on.”

“Most of my sisters were married off, and all of my brothers disappeared over the years. We were told they left the FLDS and were apostates now. As I mentioned, shortly after my twelfth birthday, once I had, become a woman”—I shifted in the seat, feeling slightly uncomfortable admitting this to Lane— “it was arranged that I was to be married. There had been some debate about this. Several of the elders wanted me,” I said, leaning back in the seat and closing my eyes. “Even three men that I thought could possibly be my father put their names into the hat.” I opened my eyes and glanced at Lane. It was too dark in the car to see his expression, but by the way he was holding himself, I could tell he was upset at what I was saying. Still, I continued. “There was a large meeting two days before my marriage. Two more girls, my sisters, had come of age as well. Yet, no one wanted them as much as they wanted me for some reason. I believed at the time that it meant I was the daughter of our leader, Joseph Jessup.”

Lane leaned forward. “The man currently rotting in jail for sexual abuse of children?”

“The very same,” I agreed. “I’m an apostate now. An outcast. Like all of my brothers. The night we left, the night of that first raid, I became an apostate, even though it was Elliott who broke me out that night in Utah.”

“The compound you were living in was raided?” Lane asked.

“Yes. I found out when I was in jail that the raid was not as large as Elliott had led on. Six men living there had been taken in on charges of property tax fraud with the trust. Two are in jail now for sexual abuse of children, including Joseph Jessup, my father. Or so I still believe.”

“You don’t know for sure who your parents are?”

“No. I had more than thirty mothers, or women I called mother. I had a few favorites. Some I steered clear of. There was only a handful of men I believed could be my father, since Joseph kicked most of the men off the compound shortly after he took over. Any young boy who dares asked for a wife or came of age was kicked out as well. Joseph deemed himself our next leader and snatched up the other men’s wives for himself. He married anyone over twelve not already married the week after taking over.”

“Sick. He deserves to rot in jail,” Lane said.

“Yes,” I agreed. “When Elliott was brought in, I was thankful I’d get to marry an outsider instead of one of the men I’d been calling father all my life. Joseph claimed he owed Elliott a favor. I believed this was my chance to follow a truly godly man.”

“You didn’t deem the others as godly?” he asked.

“They were squabbling over marrying me, the girl they had all called daughter, days before I bled for the first time.” My voice was laced with anger, an emotion I had never been allowed to show before. “Hell, yes, they were all ungodly.”