Page 132 of While I’m Still Here

This time his laugh breaks in the middle. “They were excellent tits.”

My mouth wobbles, and then I'm crying.

It isn't dramatic. I don't scream or fall apart or experience some profound revelation about womanhood and survival. I simply lie there while tears run sideways into my hair because I had breasts this morning and now I don't, and apparently my brain needs more time than the rest of the world to catch up. “I want them back.”

Colin's eyes fill immediately. “I know.”

“I know that's stupid. I literally asked them to take them off.”

“You asked them to treat your cancer, Bea.”

That distinction hurts far more than it should. I turn my face towards him. “Can I have them back anyway?”

Colin makes a sound caught somewhere between a laugh and a sob. “No.”

“Rude.”

“Extremely.”

That makes me cry harder, but Colin doesn't try to stop me. He doesn't tell me I'm lucky, doesn't start listing reasons I should be grateful and doesn't tell me the cancer is gone because we don't know everything yet. He just puts his hand beside mine and waits for me to reach for it.

So I do, and he stays.

By the time Danny and Marcus are finally allowed into the room, I'm more awake, although this unfortunately means I am also more aware of everything that hurts. Danny walks through the door first, takes one look at me and immediately starts crying. Not subtly either. His entire face crumples, his eyes fill, and he has the audacity to wipe beneath them while announcing, “I'm not crying.”

I stare at him. “Your face is wet.”

“Hospital air.”

“Your eyes are leaking.”

“Allergies.”

“To what?”

Danny gestures vaguely around the room. “Hospitals.”

Marcus walks in behind him and closes the door with considerably more dignity. “He's been crying in the corridor for ten minutes.”

Danny turns towards him in betrayal. “You fucking grass.”

Marcus pulls another chair toward the bed, and I laugh before I can stop myself, then regret it when something across my chest protests. My face must change because all three men react at once. Colin leans forward, Danny's smile disappears, and Marcus's attention sharpens. “I'm okay,” I tell them quickly. “Just sore.”

“Have you told the nurse?” Marcus asks.

“Yes, Dad.”

Danny's misery disappears with impressive speed. “Cancer Dad.”

Marcus turns his head towards him. “Don't.”

“Cancer Daddy?”

“Absolutely not.”

Even Colin laughs at that, and I lie there listening to them bicker around my hospital bed while something inside me loosens. Danny eventually drops into the chair opposite Colin, Marcus settles beside him, and suddenly I have three grown men arranged around me like the world's strangest vigil.

Danny's gaze slips towards my chest. It's barely a second but I still notice. Of course I fucking notice. My stomach tightens, but Danny's eyes return immediately to my face and stay there. “Hey.”