Page 93 of While I’m Still Here

Another sob tears through me.

Fuck dignity.

I grab the phone.

Chapter 16

I WANT TO LIVE

Beatrice ‘Bea’ James

My hands shake so badly that Face ID fails twice, which feels unnecessarily judgemental, and by the time I unlock the screen, I can barely see through the tears.

Marcus Bennett

The stupid bow nearly makes me laugh.

Nearly.

I open the messages.

My thumbs hover over the keyboard.

Are you awake?

Delete.

Can I ask you something?

Delete.

Did you ever completely lose your fucking mind before surgery?

Delete.

I stare at the empty message box while tears drip onto the screen.

Then I type the only thing I can manage.

BEA

I don't want them to take my breasts.

I look at it. My thumb hovers over send. It feels too dramatic, but I send it anyway. For several seconds, nothing happens. I immediately regret everything.

Of course I do.

He's probably asleep. Or busy. Or living his life because, unlike me, he isn't currently sitting half naked on a bedroom floor apologising to his own anatomy.

I start typing.

sorry ignore me.

Three dots appear. I stop breathing. They disappear. Come back, then disappear again. Then my phone rings. I stare at his name until the second ring because apparently I have enough remaining sanity to be surprised that actions have consequences.

On the third, I answer.

I can't say hello. I try. What comes out is a broken breath.