Page 100 of Hearts on the Mend

“I’m not going to sit here and tell you everything will be okay because what does that even mean? You’ve had your heart and your body broken. Your meds are helping, but your brain hasn’t been a great friend either lately. Still. Still, Nolan. That’s what I mean. It’s not going to be perfect, but you’re going to find yourself again.”

“Find myself?” I scoff. It’s not that I don’t like therapy. It’s fine, and it’s working, pressing me to explore some more uncomfortable things. “What if when I do, it’s not how I expected?”

She tilts her head. “Small things, remember? It’d be boring if life unfolded how we want it. The good stuff? The scary good stuff? That’s always hiding just out of reach. It’s up to you to decide if you want to leap and see if it’s for you, or stay comfortable where you are. That’s where you’ve been, Nolan. It’s not an easy spot. And some people stay stuck there. I think you’re figuring it out.”

“We just started meeting.”

My therapist picks up her pen again before glancing at the clock. “That’s a pretty stone.”

I hold it, the weight heavy in my palm. “Otters.”

When I don’t say anything more, she grins. “Otters.”

It’s so matter-of-fact. Like she proclaimed the sky is blue or the earth is round.

Otters.

“Now you just need to decide—are you ready to jump, Nolan?”

Since coming back to Montana, I make it a point to FaceTime home every week if I’m not out on a fire. It’s not always long, and Dad isn’t shy about throwing in a barb or two about how he got to see Ruby and Cassie.

Like I need another reason to miss those two.

“Must have been a rough one,” my father says. “You look exhausted.”

Returned last night from fighting a quick-spreading fire in the remote part of Custer Gallatin sparked by a lightning strike. The terrain alone made it a challenge to fight, even with an assist from Helitack.

I pull another long sip from my beer and stretch my legs out on my patio chair. All this time in Montana, my condo is sparse at best. Never saw the point of furniture, and was never around much to decorate.

“What have you guys been up to?”

“Well, the weather sucks,” he says. “Kathleen, Jack, get over here and say hi. The fucking humidity is going to kill me. We’ve been going to the beach mostly. August will be over before we know it.”

I hear Izzy laugh off camera before Jack pops on screen. “You coming back yet, or you still being a stubborn ass?”

“Thought that was your job?”

“Mine? Thought Ethan had that market cornered.”

I shrug. Cassie and I rarely talk. Seems she wants it that way.

“Did Ruby like the playset?” I ask instead.

“Why don’t you call and ask her yourself?”

“That doesn’t seem fair.”

“She’s a smart kid. Think she could understand. Ethan and I felt bad lying that it was from us. I think Cassie knows though.”

“As long as Ruby loved it. You put it in that spot you could see from the kitchen window like I asked?”

“You’re pretty demanding for someone halfway across the country. How far are you going to take this?”

My brother takes my father’s phone and starts heading for the beach. He calls over his shoulder that he’ll be right back. Can’t tell you how badly I wish each time I call that Cassie and Ruby will be there. Wish the same thing now. I bet Ruby loves to run in the surf at sunset.

“How are you really?”

I set down my beer and brush my hair back under my hat. I really need a haircut. I haven’t shaved in almost two weeks. That’s probably why everyone seems concerned.