Page 107 of Let the Light Shine Through

“Mmhmm.”

“Even without the pictures saved on your phone?”

She lowers the binoculars to her lap, her gaze on the glass in front of us. “I only did that for my mom. I’d come home and show her my findings from the day and she’d listen to me tell her all about which bird had done what. After she died, I didn’t really feel like stopping, so I didn’t. They’re all there.” She gestures to her bag. “That’s all that’s on there. I don’t bother with pictures of anything else.” She shrugs, swinging her gaze to mine. “I save mental snapshots for that.”

I want to ask if I’ve made any of those but don’t. Instead, I ask, “But you remember every bird anyway?” She nods gently, watching me. “Why keep the pictures then?”

“Maybe I’ll be able to show her again one day and tell her all about each of them. What they did that made them so interesting. Why they caught my eye. How they kept it.” The cords in her neck flex on a swallow. “She’ll want to know everything.”

There’s something in her tone, the way she’s looking at me, scrutinizing me almost, that has me curious.

I wait until she looks back out the windshield before bringing my phone up to take a picture of her.

“Why’d you do that?” she asks without moving her eyes.

“I’m collecting, too.”

I see her lips tug to one corner as she shakes her head, and as soon as she turns my way, I snap another picture.

She grins at me, so I take a third.

“Do you have any Mockingbirds on your phone?”

Her smile floats away like a sailboat caught in a breeze.

“No. No Mockingbirds.”

“Wouldn’t want any aggressive assholes on your phone, huh?”

“Definitely not,” she says, lying back in her seat, turned on her side, so she’s facing me still. “Look, I’m sorry for that and all the other shit I said. It was—” She pulls the sleeves of my shirt down over her wrists, tucking her hands completely inside and fidgeting with the opening. “I was ugly to you. Beyond ugly. I’m sorry.”

“Me too. I’m sorry for what I said, too. It was just…wrong.” Any way you look at it, I was wrong. I was pissed and jealous and worried, but I was wrong.

“I’ve just never dealt with this…with these feelings. It’s a lot. I don’t know what to do with them. Or you really. I don’t know what to do, period. This is new to me.”

What’s new? Having feelings for someone? Loving someone? I’d give anything to know but can’t push her too much or she’ll clam up or run.

Or both even. I wouldn’t put it past her.

“Then let’s just see what happens. You’re good at not following a plan, right?” I’ve never really seen her with one anyway. “So, we can keep doing what we’re doing and see where it leads us.”

“Mmmm,” she replies vaguely, snuggling further down into her seat.

Is that a yes? A no? A we’ll talk about it when I’m not half asleep?

Also, and I’m not just exaggerating, but how the fuck is she even tired? I’m pretty sure if I were to cut my arm open right now, that coffee from this morning would come pouring out, still piping hot and caffeinated as all hell.

I’m not ready for this to end. This is the first time where I don’t feel like she’s holding back. Well, mostly. She actually confided in me for once and I don’t want to let that go just yet.

But how can I keep her up?

Gia

Warm. So warm. The warmest I’ve ever felt is when I’m around Roz, I swear. We’re not even touching and the bone-deep warmth is still here, enveloping me into a cocoon of comfort.

“What’s your favorite bird?” I hear Roz ask quietly as I struggle to stay awake. He’s given a lot tonight. He’s also wanting a lot, even though I can’t return a fraction of what he deserves. It doesn’t matter that I want to, that I want to give him everything he’s asking for, it’s not fair. It’s not fair to him, even if he thinks it is.

Orange and red hues dance in front of my closed eyelids, the warmth closing in on me.