Page 128 of Let the Light Shine Through

“Am I not enough?” His voice breaks, not just in his throat, but me as well. His voice breaks me. How could Roz ever think he’s not enough?

Because I made him think that. Over and over again.

“Is that why you’re willing to walk away?”

I spin in his arms, slipping each of my legs over his hips, then run my finger between his eyebrows, smoothing the angry skin.

“You’re so much more than enough. But I won’t live a life for someone else. That’s not fair to either of us. I’ve lived the life I want. Meeting you was just the cherry on top. I’ve enjoyed every moment with you. Your eyes. Your mouth. Your laugh. Your scowl.” I laugh when his forehead wrinkles. “I will die knowing that heaven does exist because I’ve been staring at it for months now.”

“You’re killing me here, Gia. Give me something.”

Tears stream down over my fingers roaming his face.

“I’d give you my heart, cowboy, but you’ve already wrangled it away from me.”

I’d always planned to fall in love with as many things as possible. Things I could walk away from when the time came. Falling in love with Roz was never part of that plan. But now that I have, I’m finding it difficult to walk away. Before, when I’d try, I would bring out my inner monster and let her bat Roz around, hoping he’d do it himself. He hasn’t yet. He refuses to walk away, no matter what I throw at him.

I’m not just tired physically right now, I’m tired mentally, emotionally. I’m tired of pushing Roz away. And I don’t want that to be his last memory of me either. I want him to be free and happy, not battered and broken.

“I just thought you’d be a good one.” I told him that when we first met. “An adventure. I thought you’d be a good adventure, but I was wrong. You weren’t just a good one, Roz. Loving you has been my greatest adventure.”

His golden eyes darken. I’ve never said it back to him before. I’ve never said it to him, period. Love. I held off on saying it because I thought it’d make things easier. I was stupid. When it’s real, nothing is easy.

“I love you,” I tell him finally, and his lips capture mine in a rush, like we don’t have time.

We don’t.

“But I can’t make that promise,” I say against his mouth, tasting the salt. “I’m not scared of dying. I’m scared of taking you with me.”

Roz leans his head back against the wall, regarding me as he says, “I knew you’d say that, so I already worked everything out with Al to have your shifts covered…” He shrugs. “Indefinitely.”

“By who?” I straighten my spine, eyeing him right back.

“You don’t need to worry about that.”

“Excuse me?”

“The only thing you need to worry about is choosing.”

“Choosing?”

“Choose to stay. Choose to try. Choose to live, Gia. I’ll take care of the rest.”

“It doesn’t just work like that, Roz. This isn’t a therapeutic retreat in the woods. Cancer’s formidable, too. More than you ever were.”

“We don’t even know how bad yours is yet and you’ve already got one foot in the grave, making decisions that don’t need to be made right now. Baby, we’re not there. If you choose to fight, I’ll fucking fight enough for both of us, I swear to you.”

“And if I choose and it still doesn’t work?”

“If it doesn’t work, if cancer wins,” he lifts his head again, swallowing, “then just make sure you stay nearby, okay? Because I don’t want to be anywhere but by your side, down here or in the sky.”

He’s such a Cardinal.

I pull his face to mine, kissing him deeply, roughly, thoroughly, before my sneeze eventually breaks us apart.

Roz’s chest rumbles with a laugh, but he doesn’t try to take things further. That’s not what this is about. I’m just…stunned. Roz is always stunning, but this is different. He’s feeling again. He has a purpose again. He’s alive again. So beautifully alive.

“We have an appointment in two days with the best oncologist in all of New York.”