Page 109 of The Comedown

Grasping desperately for a subject change, I ask him if he has a pair of sweatpants I can borrow. “I can’t go back outside like this,” I say, gesturing to my exposed lap that’s somehow growing wetter after Julian’s words.

“You’re going back? Jesus, I said I wasn’t going to fuck you tonight, not that I wanted you to leave.”

Julian’s body heat disappears from mine entirely so he can stand several feet away, his eyebrows almost touching as he nibbles on his thumb ring.

“You know I have to. I can’t—”

“Stay? Yeah, you told me. So? What? This was just a dine and dash?”

Here’s that other side of his coin, the harsher, colder side.

He turns and heads for the bar, but I’m quick to hop off the piano, getting in front of him to plead, “Don’t do this.”

“Don’t do what? I’m fucking parched after you just tried to waterboard my ass.”

“Waterboard? You’re acting like I squirted.”

“Didn’t you?”

“I’m…” Glancing over at the piano, I scan the evidence of what just happened. Did I?

I fold my lips between my teeth.

“What?” he demands, dropping his stare to my mouth. “What’s so funny?”

My laugh spills out. “Honestly, I don’t know if I squirted.” I very well could’ve. My entire body went fuzzy, and it felt like everything on me was soaking wet, even now it still is. “But why would you be parched after being waterboarded? And what is dine and dash?” Next thing, he’ll be calling me a has-been all over again. He’s lashing out and he’s doing a piss-poor job. At least I see it for what it is now.

“I don’t know. I just… You’re… I want…” His hands come up near my face like he wants to touch me, grab me, hold me, then he drops them with a shake of his head, muttering, “I need a drink.”

He tries to turn away, but I twist with him, positioning my back against the bar.

“No, you don’t. I know you’re mad.” Or upset, or scared, or any number of the other emotions that are currently buzzing inside my own body, too. “But don’t hurt me because of it. I won’t be so forgiving this time.”

“You weren’t forgiving last time. You tricked me into finger-fucking you.”

I rear back. “Tricked you? You didn’t want to?”

All at once it’s like someone pulls his plug and his entire stance relaxes as he gathers my body against his, dropping his forehead to mine. “I want to do everything to you. With you. Even…”

“Even?” I whisper, terrified what he’ll say but also needing to hear it, too.

“Even spend the night with you. Stay with me, Poohbear.”

“I can’t—”

His skin leaves mine, then he’s pacing.

“Why did you ask me to stay then? I gotta stay but you get to leave? I got nothing to fucking stay for!”

“I have Holter.”

Julian stops, returning to his spot in front of me, his eyes on every inch of my face.

“I know that. I know that. I’m not asking you to choose. I would never ask you to choose. Fuck, Collette, I want… Fuck!” He’s moving again, staring at the floor and biting his thumb ring.

I narrow my eyes, seeing it’s not his thumb ring at all. It’s his actual thumb he’s gnawing on.

“Julian.”