Page 132 of The Comedown

Right now, Julian’s got two.

I got him to his twenty-eighth birthday, alive and very well, so I can leave here with a clear conscience.

I can…I just can’t seem to make myself.

No, I can. I will. I’m going.

I don’t want to though.

But I need to.

“Back where he belongs…” Slade trails off with a smug smirk, and I freeze, cocking my head at him.

“Where he belongs?”

Slade turns my way, too. “The drinks, the drugs, the girls. As Bodee Keys’s ex, I thought you’d be familiar with this scene.”

His eyes attempt to penetrate mine, but I block them by glancing at the stairs while telling him, “I’ve been familiar with this scene since your mom’s tit was still in your mouth, Slade. I know who belongs in it.” I bring my gaze back to his. “And who doesn’t.”

I hear his nostrils flare more so than see them, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say I just struck a nerve…or two.

“Then why are you trying so hard to keep Julian from it?”

“Did I miss a clause in your NDA saying I couldn’t sleep with your client?” And I’m not talking about the fact that we are sleeping together, I’m talking about the location where we’re doing it—away from Julian’s bus. I know that’s what this is about, I just want to know why.

His eyes go wide as he looks around, and he practically hisses, “You seem to have forgotten all about the contract you signed.”

“How do you figure? I haven’t told Julian anything.” I’ve hinted a few times, and I’ve come close to on more than one occasion, but I have yet to actually come clean about the NDAs Slade made me and everybody else in Julian’s life sign. “As a matter of fact, I haven’t told anybody anything.”

“I’m supposed to believe Julian figured out what happened on top of the bus in LA by himself?”

“You don’t know Julian very well, do you?” He may know Julez, but he doesn’t have a clue who Julian is. If he did, he wouldn’t be talking to me the way he is right now. “Julian did figure it out by himself because when he’s sober—”

“Sober? Julian’s not sober. I thought you said you knew this scene, sweetheart.” He tsks while I try not to bristle at the term of endearment that’s anything but endearing. As for the other part…I’m aware that even when Julian’s around me he isn’t completely sober. But he’s been more sober than he usually is which is enough.

It has been enough.

It’s times like today when it isn’t though. Times when I don’t know just how intoxicated he’s going to get because that’s when I lose the man I’ve gotten to know and…

He’s currently wrestling a pair of scantily clad twins in Jell-O, I remind myself with a harsh slap of reality. I can’t love someone I don’t trust. I won’t let myself.

Not again.

“Regardless, those NDAs aren’t helping him.”

Slade scoffs. “They’re the only things helping him.”

“That’s…”

“Not true? You think you’re helping him? How’s that working out?” Slade gestures in Julian’s direction, but I refuse to look. “You were a short-term solution, but this is where he belongs.”

I flinch involuntarily. Of course this wouldn’t last, whatever this thing between Julian and myself is—was?—but hearing someone else put it so plainly hurts. Physically fucking hurts. I’m just in pain overall. Why didn’t Julian fight harder? Why isn’t he fighting now? He told me nothing would keep him from me.

He also told me he lies.

I still stand by what I said though. The constant NDAs aren’t helping Julian, maybe Julez, but not Julian.

“He needs to see the consequences his actions carry. By sweeping his bad behavior under a rug, or worse, rewarding it, you’re making the good he’s capable of that much less important.”